I feel pretty naive. I thought I had conquered the whole mom guilt thing and was over it for the most part. Not true at all. Guilt has a way of finding its way through any crevice it can find. The secret is to know how you best combat these emotions.
Let’s take two big areas of guilt that have crept up for me lately…
…feeling like I’m off loading too much on Vishnu (late night feedings in particular) because I have to pump.
…feeling triggered when Kaiden has big emotions, particularly when he cries and whines for what I believe is not a good reason.
I’m trying to combat the first one by changing my self-talk. Feedings are a great opportunity for Vishnu to bond with Mila and feel like he’s making an important contribution. And pumping means my baby gets my milk, which is important to me right now. The second point is a little tricker for me. I’ve read all the things about button pushing and triggers and logically understand how this stuff works, but when I try to put it into practice, I fall short. I plan on bringing this up with my therapist soon so we can discuss the why and how behind my triggers.
With Kaiden, I often let my guilt get the best of me. It went from a surface level thought to a deeply obtrusive one. Now, I feel like I’m able to talk about my feelings more easily with Vishnu and/or my sister and find constructive ways to deal with the guilt.
I’ve had other extreme obtrusive thoughts lately too but am working on reverse engineering them and making them completely illogical.
Other than that, right now, I’m focusing on being a ‘good enough’ mom. Doing what I can when I can however I can. Helps keep the guilt and obtrusive thoughts at bay in so many ways.
