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Married to Medicine – Nearing the End

written by Parita Leave a Comment

Over the course of our marriage, I’ve written several posts about being married to someone in medicine – medical school, intern year, residency, fellowship. It’s all well documented here.

But now, we’re finally finally finally coming to end of this very long journey. We’re a month away from Vishnu finishing fellowship and being done with training! WOO FREAKING HOO! I can’t wait!

Now that we’re this.close to the end, I have a slightly different perspective about the past 10 years than I did while we were in the thick of them.

Vishnu’s med school graduation in 2015

With that, here are a few of my key lessons learned…

Before getting married, talk to your s/o about what the next few years will look like. You obviously won’t be able to anticipate everything that’s going to happen, but don’t go in blind or without talking to others who have been in your shoes.

Your s/o may change as they go along on this journey. Medicine is no joke. The amount of stress trainees face is intense – exams, applications, rotations, boards, actual training, finding a job. It’s A LOT and it would change anyone. There are times when I look at Vishnu and I’m like, “This isn’t the same exact person I met 16 years ago, but this is a man who’s been through his fair of challenges and has come out on top.” It’s important to communicate and check in whenever possible. The question “how are you doing today?” will go a long way.

Independence is the name of the game. Find your own hobbies and things that bring you joy because I can pretty much guarantee that your s/o will not be around nearly as much as you think they will. Even with they are at home, they’ll likely be reading, prepping for the next day, prepping for a conference, etc. Being able to do your own thing will only serve you. And honestly, don’t feel bad about it. Think of this as a unique opportunity to develop and find things you love.

If you have kids, you may end up being the primary parent. This one took me a while to wrap my head around. Not because we want it to be this way but because it has to be. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s tiring and overwhelming, and at times, it doesn’t feel fair, especially when you have your own career to think about. However, being in medicine, it’s highly unlikely your s/o will be able to drop what they’re doing at a moment’s notice to tend to your kid. Know that it will be like this for a little bit and deal with it.

Enjoy the process without being too attached to the different milestones. Even though it’s a stressful time, it’s also a beautiful time in your life. My advice would be to enjoy the ride without really focusing too much on specific milestones, dates, etc. You’ll get to the end one way or another, and it’s important to stay flexible and agile throughout.

Don’t dismiss your journey as the support person. This is an important one. My FIL always acknowledges and validates my role in this whole journey, and it’s SO appreciated. While Vishnu’s away doing shifts and taking exams, I’m at home with Kaiden, running a household, and working a FT job. I’m also everyone’s contact person, a planner, a cook, and coordinator. It’s not easy so don’t dismiss the very important role you play and your thoughts and emotions on this journey.

Embrace the uncertain – Plans may change, you may not know when your s/o is coming home, you may have to spend holidays alone, etc. It’s just the name of the game, so be ready for it. Not always fun (and I certainly didn’t always handle it in stride), but like with everything else, know that the uncertainty (for the most part depending on what specialty your s/o is in) will come to an end.

Sometimes it just plain sucks, and it’s ok to feel that way. Don’t feel guilty about not loving this journey. It’s not always fun. In fact, it’s hardly ever fun! And while it’s important to be grateful and all that, it’s also ok to just sit in the suckiness for a bit. Just know that…

As cliche as it sounds, it all goes so much faster than you can imagine. While it can suck sometimes, it really does fly by. I’ve been waiting for this exact moment for so long, and it’s finally here. I can hardly believe it. So when I say enjoy it for what it is and make the most of the training years. Travel when you can. Meet new people. Do what you need to do…all while knowing it will come to an end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

While being #marriedtomedcine isn’t easy, whenever I think of our journey, my mind always goes to military families who not only deal with all of the above but on a much larger and deeper scale. So yes, acknowledge where you are but keep a grateful heart always. That’s always helped me!

Written on June 1, 2021 Related:Life, Marriage, Uncategorized

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

written by Parita 3 Comments

I like to joke that medicine is Vishnu’s mistress.  A mistress that I’ve come to accept and befriend.  Ha!  She’s been a part of our lives since we starting dating almost 14 years ago.  And she’ll be around until Vishnu retires.  Who am I kidding?  She’ll be around forever.

When it was just us, it was easier to work with and around Vishnu’s med school journey (studying, boards, residency application/matching process, etc.).  Now that we have Kaiden, it’s a whole different ball game.  But we’re learning to navigate this path just like we have all the others.

Before I share more, let me set some context…

When we had Kaiden, Vishnu had just started his 2nd year of Radiology residency (overall year 3 if you count intern year).  He’s now in his 3rd year, and we have one more to go.  After he finishes residency, he’ll complete one year of fellowship because he wants to specialize in a particular area of Radiology.  Once he’s done with all of this training, he start working as an attending.  Phew!

I’m not going to lie.  From a significant other’s perspective, this journey has been exciting, challenging, frustrating, etc.  I mean, I knew what I was getting into when we started dating and later married, but nothing can really prepare you for the ups and downs.

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

Vishnu wanted me to share that we do use bed sheets and a comforter.  They were being washed at the time this picture was taken.  

I will caveat this by saying I know we have it better than a lot of other people out there.  My heart specifically goes out to the military families who deal with deployments, uncertainty, and long periods of time without seeing each other. 

Something that often dictates how we schedule our time and how our days/evenings run is Vishnu’s schedule.  And it changes by the month and every now and then even by the week.  This means that sometimes he has to be at the hospital by 7:00 and sometimes not until 7:30.  If it’s the latter, he’s able to drop Kaiden off at daycare.  If not, it’s all me!  I don’t mind the variances when they’re limited to daytime hours.  Nights are something else altogether!  When Vishnu’s on nights, he leaves the house at 6:30 pm and comes back the next morning around 8 am.  His shifts run Sunday night through the following Saturday morning.  The reason I truly dislike nights is because they eat up our weekends, since Vishnu needs to fit in rest at some point.  Another game changer is call.  For Vishnu’s hospital, these are the Saturday/Sunday shifts they do.  Saturdays are usually 24 hour (7 am – 8 am) and Sundays are 12 hour (8 am – 7 pm).  I hate 24 hour Saturdays.  HATE!  And I don’t think I need to explain why!

Other than the weekly/monthly variances, we also deal with holiday shifts.  The past two years were rough, especially around the holidays.  But oh well!  What can you do?  I’m hoping the final year of residency (next year) is as chill as they say it is.  Fingers crossed!

Another aspect of all of this is the uncertainty that comes with the residency and fellowship matching process.  It’s not a given that you’ll end up where you want to be in terms of city.  For us, Kaiden wasn’t here when we matched in Chicago for residency.  But now that we’re on to the fellowship process, he’s definitely something we’re taking into consideration, since he’ll be three at the start of it.

With all of this being said, we are always trying to be more aware of how we spend our time, especially on the weekends.  In the past, we’ve always let med school/residency/etc. take precedence over all else.  Now that we have Kaiden, we recognize that if we don’t bring intention to everything we do, these first few years of his life will fly by, and we’ll have big regrets later.  For us, this looks like visiting the museum, going out to eat as a family, taking trips (definitely need to get better about this one!), etc.  Vishnu’s committed not to let board studying (pretty much the first half of 2019) be his only priority.  As is the case with everything, it’s a work in progress, but we’re trying!

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

The other side of all of this is accepting and acknowledging that this is all short term (although it doesn’t always feel like it).  We’ll be settled somewhere in a few years, and I’m pretty sure we’ll miss pieces of the residency/fellowship journey.

Another aspect, for me at least, is accepting a few things and being ok with them (most of the time).  For us, this means that I’m pretty much the primary parent.  I’m also the one who schedules doctor’s appointments, activities, home stuff, etc.  Some days I’m filled with gratitude and more than happy to take it all on, and some days…well, I’m not.  Positive self-talk really does wonders.  I have to remind myself that Vishnu’s not out having fun…he’s at work, studying, etc.  And truth be told, Vishnu actually does a lot more than I would be able to do if the roles were reversed.  He does a great job balancing everything, especially fatherhood and husbandhood.  In fact, he’s the one who’s constantly thinking of new things for us to do and try, new places to take Kaiden, etc.

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

Many people think the doctor life is glamorous and easy, especially for the significant other, but I’m here to tell you it’s not.  I have lots of friends who are doctors and/or are married to one, and glamor is so far from the reality of this journey.  It takes a lot of dedication, compromise, resiliency, and faith to get to the end of training, and I imagine those same things continue to carry you forward well after.

So yeah, we’re 17 months in and pretty much agree that Kaiden should not go into medicine.  HA!  Jussssstttt kidddddinggggg!  At least I am.  Vishnu’s determined to guide him down a different path.  We shall see!

Written on November 29, 2018 Related:motherhood, Parenthood, Uncategorized

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