The other night, Vishnu called me a hypocrite.  And I hate to admit it, but he’s right.  Let me explain.

As we were going to sleep on Sunday, he put his arm around my waist.  I pushed it away and turned the other way.  He asked if everything was ok.  Silence.  He asked again, and that’s when it all came out.  I told him that I didn’t want him touching my fat.  He told me I was being ridiculous. We went back and forth for a while, before I burst into tears and said, “I hate my body!  I hate it!”  I honestly think I stunned my husband…and myself.

Of course this led to a lot of questions but unfortunately no answers.  Vishnu asked me to think about what I said from a different perspective.  He said, “What if your sister, your mom, or your best friend said what you just did?  What would you say to them?  Because whatever you would say to them is what you need to say to yourself.”  Well for one, I would never tell anyone to hate their body.  So yes, I am a hypocrite. 

I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days, and I still don’t know why, in that moment, I said I hate my body.  I honestly thought I was over this kind of thinking.  Hate is such a strong word, and I know I’m better than that.   

Vishnu and I ended our conversation with him telling me that I need to change the way I think about myself.  And he’s right.  This is all part of a mental game I play.  And while I’ve come a long way from where I used to be, I still have a lot of work to do.  You see, I live a healthy lifestyle – nutritious meals (most of the time) + a  variety of workouts.  However, the thoughts that sometimes occupy my headspace are not always healthy and positive.  I still need to work on the whole self-love thing.  I know how important it is, and more importantly, I believe in the power of it.

What bothers me the most is that I write a blog about being positive, maintaining healthy habits, and above all, loving yourself…faults and all.  And there I was, in a moment of weakness, proclaiming that I hate my body.  I feel like I let all of you who read my blog down.  I’m sorry for writing one message and living another. 

I’m not quite sure what happens from here…except that I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  I don’t ever want to use the word hate and body in the same sentence.  I’m ready to enter my thirties with true self-love and respect.  It’ll take time, but for once and for all, I’m going to learn to love and accept the body I’ve been given….faults and all!.  It’s well deserved. 

I know this post isn’t in line with what I usually write about, but I wanted to be honest and make the point that no one is perfect.  As I like to say, we are all beautiful works in progress.  And while acknowledgement is a great first step, you can’t stop there.  At the end of the day, you have to help yourself by challenging the negative thoughts, replacing them with positive ones, and moving forward.  This is what I wish for myself and others like me.  It’s the only way.

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. We all are. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom

Thank you for reading…and hopefully forgiving me for being a hypocrite.  I promise I’m working on it.