My Inner Shakti

finding strength in everyday things

The Privilege of Choice

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Have you ever thought about something so much that you feel like you could write a whole book on the topic? That’s me right now with this idea of the privilege of choice.

Ever since we decided to start Mila in daycare, I’ve been thinking about my privilege to choose to put her in school at this time. And then my mind automatically goes to my parents and their lack of privilege with so many things. That, of course, brings it’s own sense of guilt…

…such a layered topic for me!

I’m sharing this because I think there’s some hidden shame for those of us who are the ‘in between generation.’ Personally, I am the child of immigrants who quite literally worked their butts off to give us a good life. That good life, which I undoubtedly live, provides me with privilege. And even though my parents have never shamed me for the way we live our life, I feel like I owe them something, and one way I can do that is by choosing the harder path.

Are you still with me?

Ok, so this came up for me because, as you all know, I quit my corporate job to really put my whole self into Awarify and now Momsanity. But then we kept Mila home with me for a year because we couldn’t find a nanny and because I didn’t want to start her in daycare until at least 12 months.

The 12 month mark rolled round, and I found myself conflicted again. Cold and flu season is on steriods right now. Are we doing the right thing? Should I take her out and put her back at 18 months? And the real zinger of a question was…

…am I being selfish by choosing to put my child in daycare when she could stay home with me?

I went in circles over this decision. I talked to friends, I obviously talked to Vishnu, and I talked to my sister who’s a pediatrician.

Obviously, everyone I talked to had differing opinions. Some agreed with my initial idea to restart her at 18 months, and some thought the complete opposite – keep her in!

Vishnu, and my sister agreed, is of the mindset that, in terms of sickness, we’re just kicking the can down the road if we start her later. And who knows what other viruses are going to be circulating in the springtime.

I was also concerned about her nap schedule being thrown off (and it is), but my friend Monica reminded me that transitions take time, and that Mila would in fact adjust.

And finally, everyone said that I also have to take my wants/needs/desires for my businesses into account. I can’t keep pushing those to some future date…because I’m scared. And that really got to it for me. Taking care of Mila is so natural to me. I know how to do it, and I think I do a good job. Whereas, I’ve never built a business from the ground up before. There’s definitely some fear there!

Ultimately, the decision we came to was to take things month by month. If for any reason, we/I feel like she’s not thriving or it’s too much for her, we can take her out for a bit. Also, she’s in school 3.5 days, which is an amount of time I’m comfortable with.

At the end of the day, it’s still a privilege to put her in school when we don’t technically have to, but I’m realizing that it’s good for both of us. I’m making some headway with Awarify and Momsanity, and Mila gets to grow her social skills and have fun with other babies which she absolutely loves! It really is a win/win.

Also, when I compare sending Kaiden to school versus Mila, there was no choice with him. We had to send him, which brought with it a different kind of guilt.

Life is never going to be black and white. Most things are pretty gray. And that’s where I feel like I sit right now. 100% in the gray.

As another friend told me when I basically shared this whole blog post with her via a phone convo, it’s ok for our lives to look different than our parents. It’s called progress, and more importantly, how we choose to live our lives, no matter what the decisions are, is up to us. No one else has to live with our choices. Only we do. So be kinder to yourself.

I hope you’re kind to yourself through every though choice.

This is FOUR!

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My little guy is FOUR today!

I know it’s so cliche to say, but it really does feel like he grew up in a blink of an eye. I still remember everything leading up to his birth as if it happened yesterday. I remember the exact moment we heard him cry and when the nurse placed him on my chest. I remember taking him home, and Vishnu driving like 30 MPH down Chicago Avenue.

And then boom!

One day we wake up and he’s FOUR!

Kaiden is truly the sweetest boy with the biggest heart. He loves everything and everyone, and my favorite part is that he isn’t afraid to show it! He wears his big old heart on his sleeve.

He’s kind and loving and smart and sassy and emotional and fun and still very much a mama’s boy!

Happy birthday, K! I hope your day is magical, special, silly, fun and so much more! We love youuuuu!

S*** Show of a Morning

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Before anyone thinks Vishnu and I are operating in a calm, collected, ‘everything goes as we need/want’ household, let me set the record straight.

This morning was a great example of how things can go wrong very quickly.

Let’s review.

5:45 am – Vishnu and I wake up and start getting ready for our respective days.
6:15 am – I start prepping breakfast while Vishnu gets everything else together for him and K.
6:30 am – I wake Kaiden up (he usually sleeps until 7:15) because I have a call starting at 6:45. The plan is to have Vishnu drop K off at school by 7:30, so he can get to work by 8.
6:35 am – I tell K the plan and he’s fine with it.
6:40 am – Kaiden decides he wants eggs for breakfast, so I quickly scramble and cook two eggs. Kaiden gets upset because he wanted to scramble the eggs.
6:45 am – I head into our bedroom for my call. But not without a loud good-bye. Kaiden starts crying and screaming because he wants me to take my call after I drop him off at school. I have no choice but to lock myself in my room. Vishnu takes over.
6:45-7:45 am – I’m on my call with Kaiden at the door trying to break in, screaming, crying…the whole enchilada. I hear everything from “Don’t look at me” to “Move your body.” Oh boy!
8:00 am – Vishnu and K finally leave for school. Vishnu’s late for work. However, my call went well, so there’s that!

No one’s life is perfect and these types of situations happen. They used to stress me out, but I’ve realized the best way to get through them is to stay calm and flow. Kids are going to be kids (esp the stubborn ones!), and life has to go on…we have to go to work, be on calls, get things done, etc.

So the next time you’re dealing with something hard, just remember…it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US and there’s at least a million of us experiencing it alongside you at any given point!

Raising Privileged Kids

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My organization runs a learning program for senior leaders that’s led by Harvard Business School. This year, I’m able to attend because our first module is virtual. Today was the first day of the four week program, and the session was about strategy and a few other things.

As I was listening, a lot of my core Finance and MBA knowledge was coming back to me, but my ears really perked up when the professor started talking about human capital, recruiting, and strategizing about the kind of people you want to work for you.

He told a story about a friend of friend whose daughter applied to a widely known and respected consulting firm. After her second interview, she was told she didn’t qualify. When she told her dad, he basically went on a mission to find out why she was rejected. He happened to be engaging with this firm in his own job, so he approached the lead partner and asked him if he had any insights into what happened with his daughter. Mind you, this is a huge organization. The partner couldn’t give specifics about his daughter, but he did offer to look at her resume. He also asked her dad what she did for fun, what her hobbies were, etc. After the dad rambled on and on about the prestigious private school she attended for college, the international traveller she was, etc., the partner stopped him and said I think I know what’s going on but let me take a look at her resume.

One glance at her resume, and he said this, “She has privilege written all over this and her. We’re looking for candidates that went to state schools, got good grades, and worked at the library at night to pay for tuition. And maybe they got a few scholarships along the way too. Kids who have grit and perseverance and know how to face a challenge in its face.”

This part of the session made me stop and think about how I grew up and how Kaiden is (and is going to) grow up. I was that firm’s ideal candidate. I went to a state school, I got good grades, and I worked at the student center my sophomore through my senior year. I even worked during business school for the Department of Organizational Effectiveness. Will Kaiden be? Hard to tell since he’s going to grow up with parents who are financially more secure, who grew up in this country, and have access to things that my parents didn’t.

I think about the concept of privilege a lot, especially as a mom. And I think it’s amazing to want and be able to give your kids more than what you had (our parents did it!), but where do we draw the line? I, for one, would not be opposed to Kaiden working in HS and college. Just because he has a 529 in his name doesn’t mean he can’t save some of his own money for the things he wants to do.

I also believe the concept of privilege is something that’s established well before college. It’s about the conversations you have with your kids, the things you buy them, the people you surround yourself with, etc. Vishnu and I are trying to raise a good human, who may be a little privileged, but hopefully one who understands that what he’s been given should be used for the greater good in some way.

Ay ay ay…parenting…the wheels never stop turning!

State of Our Household – 3.5 Years Old

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Kaiden is officially 3.5 years old! We have a full blown little man on our hands, y’all. He literally sounds like a teenager sometimes (which can be funny or not so much depending on the day).

I think I’ve said this with every age, but I love 3. It’s challenging and frustrating at times, but I love all the cuteness that comes with it (especially the things he says).

With that, here’s how our household is doing at 3.5…

State of Kaiden

Physically, Kaiden is on the smaller side when it comes to weight, but this doesn’t surprise me given that Vishnu was pretty small as a young kid too. Surprisingly, he seems to be a little taller than what we would’ve expected, given that no one is a giant in our families.

Mentally, this kid is as smart as a whip. And it’s not because I’m biased. He is intellectually doing really well (also per his teachers). He understand more than we would ever expect and remembers that much more. While he’s not reading or writing much just yet, his ability to comprehend and put two and two together just blows my mind.

Emotionally, he just gets it too. Not always with his own emotions, but in terms of how certain things would make others feel. He can read a room really well.

Speaking of his own emotions, K is still very much allergic to any word that sounds like no. And when he wants something, he wants it. And when he doesn’t want something he doesn’t want it. The kid’s stubborn! His meltdowns can be pretty epic, but I think we’re getting good at predicting them and bracing ourselves. We’re also working on setting more firm boundaries and then letting him feel what he wants to feel about them. He’s entitled to that, and while he may not love them, boundaries are incredibly important.

In terms of food, K is so hit or miss at home. Sometimes he loves something and sometimes it’s ‘yucky.’ There are some dishes that I can be 99% sure will be a hit, so I tend to rotate those more regularly. But he still loves most veggies, fruits, cheese, pasta (specifically mac n’ cheese) and bread. Thankfully, he still eats well at daycare, so at least there’s that!

In terms of play, the biggest development is K’s love for pretend play, and I’m here for it! He loves to pretend and turn ordinary objects into castles and wands, etc. I’m so thankful for this because it means we don’t need too many toys to keep him occupied. Not that we have much room for more stuff!

And finally, he’s getting into slightly longer books (but still loves his shorter picture books), so I’m thinking about getting him some chapter books we can work through. Should be fun!

So that sums up Kaiden at 3.5. Let’s move on to how mama and dada are doing…

State of Mama

Oh man! As much as I want to pull my hair out sometimes, this sweet little boy has my whole heart plus some. He’s so full of kindness and understanding and joy, and I’m so thankful he’s mine!

In terms of how I’m doing, things are going well. It’s a bit of a juggle with full-time work, Awarify, Kaiden, Vishnu’s schedule, and home stuff. Phew! But I’m learning to let some stuff fall through the cracks when it doesn’t really matter. Haven’t perfected this yet, but I’m trying.

I feel like since I started my coaching program, I’m starting to become so much more aware of my own thoughts and if they’re serving me or not. I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat aware person, but I wasn’t…it take a lot of deep work and introspection and I’m working on it and discovering new things about myself. This is all to say that this new level of awareness is helping tremendously with my parenting. I’m learning new ways to think about things so they don’t get to me or don’t become a big issue.

I have some ambitious goals for 2021, but I’m tempering any expectations I place on myself, others, and any external situations. Given the year we’ve had, I think it’s better to stay agile when possible. Nonetheless, I’m excited for a new year and some light at the end of the tunnel.

Overall, I’m doing well and looking forward to new adventures with my kiddo!

State of Dada

Dada is BUSY! Lol! Fellowship is a lot of work and responsibility, but we’re lucky that Vishnu’s program is super organized and we know all his call/weekend dates ahead of time. This is the last leg of our medical training journey…next up is attendingship! I’ll be sharing more about that soon!

Vishnu and Kaiden have a really fun and rowdy relationship right now! I suspect it’ll stay that way for a while! I think K also looks to Vishnu as his source of calm because he’s so steady through all the emotions and ups and downs.

I will say that Vishnu is less emotional than me, so while he gives his love to K so openly and freely, he’s also less all over the place. Something I need to learn from him.

Overall, Vishnu’s doing well and really enjoying this age too, although a few times a week, he’ll tell me he’s sad Kaiden is growing up and won’t remain so little for long. #truethat

And that, my friends, is how our household is faring right now. I wish this update was a bit more exciting, but you know…these are Covid times. Hopefully year 4 will bring some better news with it!

State of Our Household – THREE YEARS OLD!

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We officially have a three year old on our hands! WHAT?!

I know this is the most cliche thing to say on your child’s birthday, but I remember every last detail of the days leading up to my delivery with so much clarity. If you want to know more about how Kaiden was brought into the world, read his birth story.

Anyways, let’s get to the details of this post and see how each member of our household is doing!

State of Kaiden

Oh how Mr. K has grown! I feel like just over the past three months, he’s grown in leaps and bounds. Some days, I feel like he’s three going on thirteen. But this age is still so much fun! You don’t know what he’s going to do or say…that element of surprise is a real thing, y’all!

In terms of his personality, he’s one of the funniest people I know! He’s so witty and knows how to get laughs. And if you don’t laugh, he’ll look at you and say, “LAUGH!” Well, ok then! He’s also really sweet. He doesn’t like to see people upset or hurt. I hope his sense of empathy only gets stronger as he gets older. In some ways, Kaiden is like me, he’s super emotional and can get upset quickly, but he gets over the situation quickly. He doesn’t hold grudges. What else? He’s also very stubborn (like most three year olds?!). Kaiden is always down for a good time. It takes him a bit to warm up to people, but once he does, there’s no stopping him!

In terms of sleep, we’re doing well. He goes down between 7:30-7:45p every night (although the antics have definitely started where he tries to keep me in the room as long as he can!), but he’ll fall asleep anywhere from the minute his head hits his pillow to 9 pm. Before he started school again, he was waking up between 7:15-7:30a most days, and now he’s up between 6-7a. Not an easy transition for his parents either! Naps are hit or miss, mostly still hits (those days are rough!). I think pushing his nap time back to 1:30p (vs. 1:00p) may help. We’ll see!

He’s still a pretty good eater. K loves most things, but it does take a bit to get him to the table. Once he’s there, he’s good. Like most kids, we still have our days where he doesn’t want to eat something and will say he’s full after a few bites. It takes everything in me to just be ok with that, but I’m trying! I want him to listen to his hunger cues, so I’m going to chalk it up to him truly not needing any food. Who knows!

Kaiden is now talking a ton! It’s incredible to see and probably one of my favorite developments over the past year. His vocab is pretty great, but what gets me is how much he can say in the correct context. It’s insane!

Like most toddlers, K doesn’t like hearing no or being told what to do. So we have to get creative! Ha! But I will say, if we can just stay calm and meet him on his level, he’s pretty good. It’s not like he won’t budge.

I know this is a very biased this to say, but I think I have the cutest, sweetest, happiest baby boy in the whole world! He really is the best, and I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!

State of Mama

Mama is doing well! I really do love this age, so even though things get rough from time to time, I find that it’s easier to handle.

Quarantine was interesting. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know that work + K wasn’t easy. Something I haven’t talked much about yet is self-care and energy management. I did/do work out every day, but I still haven’t been able to drop the pounds I gained last October. I was on a good path up until mid-March, and then it all went downhill. So I’m trying to focus on regular movement and healthier eating. Easier said than done, but I’m trying!

Other than that, I need to get on a better night time routine. I haven’t been going to sleep at a consistent time, and it shows! Every Monday, I tell myself this is my week! But nope. Two days in and I’m all over the place again. Let’s say this one is a work in progress.

Other than that, everything is the same old!

State of Dada

Vishnu graduated residency earlier this month, which was a momentous occasion for us! Woo hoo!

He’s now gearing up for fellowship and all that brings. It’s going to be a busy year!

Other than that, I’m happy to report that Kaiden and Vishnu’s relationship is the strongest it’s ever been. K is still very much a mama’s boy, but he loves his dada…always asking for him and wanting to wrestle with him! It’s fun to watch, and also a big relief because I’m not the only one he will go to! Woo hoo!

I’ll share another update at 3.5. I love rereading these posts and thinking back on little K!

Kaiden Starts Preschool!

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I shared on my IG page that Kaiden started back at school (PRESCHOOL!) this past Monday, and I just have to say that I love my little community…so much support and love for that little announcement.

I thought I would share a little more detail behind our thinking for sending him back, what his school is doing to minimize risk, how K is doing, how I’m doing etc. because while not everyone is in our same boat, I think reading/hearing other people’s perspective, especially in a situation like this, is helpful.

Our thinking behind sending K back

So the plan was always to send Kaiden back when Vishnu started fellowship, if school was open and if we were comfortable with the situation here in Chicago. This would’ve been on July 6th had we stuck to our original plan.

We opted to send him back two weeks sooner for a few different reasons. One, you guys, Kaiden was so bored at home and getting super restless. Vishnu spent one morning with him and was like, “Par, he has to go back sooner than later.” So we talked and decided this past Monday was a good time to start back.

Two, my work day can be VERY call heavy. Some days, I have up to 6 hours of calls. Juggling that, with work that needs to get down after my calls, plus Kaiden is A LOT. I’ve been able to manage the past few months because Vishnu’s been home more. But once he starts fellowship on July 1st, I’m on my own for the entire day plus some.

Three, our school has been very proactive with everything and ensuring proper protocol was in place before they opened. That gave us a lot of comfort in our decision (for now).

And four, Kaiden thrives when he has some structure, and as much as I want to provide him that at home, it’s impossible given how much my work schedule varies. And the opportunities he gets to socialize, learn and develop at school just aren’t possible at home right now.

New protocols at school

As happy as I am that our school is super strict about their operations now, it also makes me sad that things won’t go back to the way they were any time soon.

Anyways, in terms of new protocols, let’s start with drop off. No more stroller storage. Only one parents (with mask) allowed in the school lobby for drop off. Only two families in the lobby at a time (6 ft. apart of course). Temperature checks for child and parent. Hand sanitizer for child and parent. Teacher takes child to classroom (I haven’t even seen Kaiden’s new room yet!).

In terms of the day to day – trying to get kids to wear masks when possible. Kids are kept apart as much as possible (for example, when sitting for story time, they are spread out on the rug versus right next to each other). Lots of handwashing. Lots of outside time. No mixing of teachers and kids between classrooms. All teachers and administrators wear masks 100% of the time. No outside teachers/class – so music, Spanish, and yoga is virtually done. Reduced hours (used to be 7a-6:30p, now 8a-5p)

Then for pickup – only one parent again (with mask). And a quick departure!

How Kaiden is doing

Ok, so Monday was ok until I gave him a hug goodbye. That’s when he started screaming, “I just want to go home.” His teacher was right there and whisked him away very quickly. I called later in the day to see how he was doing and was told he only cried for 5 minutes. At pickup that day, he was all smiles and a chatty Cathy!

On Tuesday, he started crying the minute we stepped out of our apartment and didn’t really stop. Again, they told me he calmed down pretty quickly. And like clockwork, Mr. K was super happy at pickup. We went to the park after school and looked for helicopters and sticks. He didn’t stop talking the whole time;

That brings me to day 3 (yesterday). He cried a little at home an hour before we had to leave, but I told him we weren’t going anywhere yet, so he calmed down quickly. And then, like I had been since last Friday, I talked about how brave and strong he is. And how it’s ok to miss mama and dada, but just like every other day, I would be there to pick him up in a few hours. I then talked the whole way to daycare and played little games to distract him. We let him bring Mr. Elephant given I would have to bring him back home. HE DIDN’T SHED A SINGLE TEAR! Something I said must’ve stuck because he was so strong and brave! So very proud of my little guy! And pickup was again a cinch.

So while Kaiden is super happy when I pick him up and very chatty, he still has random meltdowns once we’re home. He is almost 3 after all!

Overall, I think it was a good decision to send him back because, like I said, he’s like me and thrives with a bit structure like me!

How mama is doing

When Vishnu fist mentioned sending K back 2 weeks early, I broke down and cried. I wasn’t against the idea…it just caught me off guard. I had July 6 in my mind and was planning towards that.

I was honestly fine with everything (day before, morning of, drop off) until we came home that first morning to a Kaiden-less apartment. I sobbed for 5 minutes before getting to work. I definitely watched videos of Kaiden whenever I could and eagerly waited for updates from the school. I did my best to keep my mind off the fact that he wasn’t home with us. But I couldn’t help but look back at the couch imagining him sitting there talking to me or asking me for more milk! Overall, I did better than I thought I would!

The next two days were honestly fine. I still miss him obviously, but my main focus is to help him transition and bringing my emotion into it won’t help…it’ll only make him more nervous.

With that, I will say that I have this voice in my head telling me to not get comfortable with our new routine. Things could change at any time. So per my mama mantra, I’m taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best – for the teachers, for the parents, and especially for the students!

If you have any questions, leave them in the comment box or message me at myinnershakti@gmail.com. Happy to share more!

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