My Inner Shakti

finding strength in everyday things

This is FOUR!

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My little guy is FOUR today!

I know it’s so cliche to say, but it really does feel like he grew up in a blink of an eye. I still remember everything leading up to his birth as if it happened yesterday. I remember the exact moment we heard him cry and when the nurse placed him on my chest. I remember taking him home, and Vishnu driving like 30 MPH down Chicago Avenue.

And then boom!

One day we wake up and he’s FOUR!

Kaiden is truly the sweetest boy with the biggest heart. He loves everything and everyone, and my favorite part is that he isn’t afraid to show it! He wears his big old heart on his sleeve.

He’s kind and loving and smart and sassy and emotional and fun and still very much a mama’s boy!

Happy birthday, K! I hope your day is magical, special, silly, fun and so much more! We love youuuuu!

S*** Show of a Morning

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Before anyone thinks Vishnu and I are operating in a calm, collected, ‘everything goes as we need/want’ household, let me set the record straight.

This morning was a great example of how things can go wrong very quickly.

Let’s review.

5:45 am – Vishnu and I wake up and start getting ready for our respective days.
6:15 am – I start prepping breakfast while Vishnu gets everything else together for him and K.
6:30 am – I wake Kaiden up (he usually sleeps until 7:15) because I have a call starting at 6:45. The plan is to have Vishnu drop K off at school by 7:30, so he can get to work by 8.
6:35 am – I tell K the plan and he’s fine with it.
6:40 am – Kaiden decides he wants eggs for breakfast, so I quickly scramble and cook two eggs. Kaiden gets upset because he wanted to scramble the eggs.
6:45 am – I head into our bedroom for my call. But not without a loud good-bye. Kaiden starts crying and screaming because he wants me to take my call after I drop him off at school. I have no choice but to lock myself in my room. Vishnu takes over.
6:45-7:45 am – I’m on my call with Kaiden at the door trying to break in, screaming, crying…the whole enchilada. I hear everything from “Don’t look at me” to “Move your body.” Oh boy!
8:00 am – Vishnu and K finally leave for school. Vishnu’s late for work. However, my call went well, so there’s that!

No one’s life is perfect and these types of situations happen. They used to stress me out, but I’ve realized the best way to get through them is to stay calm and flow. Kids are going to be kids (esp the stubborn ones!), and life has to go on…we have to go to work, be on calls, get things done, etc.

So the next time you’re dealing with something hard, just remember…it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US and there’s at least a million of us experiencing it alongside you at any given point!

Raising Privileged Kids

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My organization runs a learning program for senior leaders that’s led by Harvard Business School. This year, I’m able to attend because our first module is virtual. Today was the first day of the four week program, and the session was about strategy and a few other things.

As I was listening, a lot of my core Finance and MBA knowledge was coming back to me, but my ears really perked up when the professor started talking about human capital, recruiting, and strategizing about the kind of people you want to work for you.

He told a story about a friend of friend whose daughter applied to a widely known and respected consulting firm. After her second interview, she was told she didn’t qualify. When she told her dad, he basically went on a mission to find out why she was rejected. He happened to be engaging with this firm in his own job, so he approached the lead partner and asked him if he had any insights into what happened with his daughter. Mind you, this is a huge organization. The partner couldn’t give specifics about his daughter, but he did offer to look at her resume. He also asked her dad what she did for fun, what her hobbies were, etc. After the dad rambled on and on about the prestigious private school she attended for college, the international traveller she was, etc., the partner stopped him and said I think I know what’s going on but let me take a look at her resume.

One glance at her resume, and he said this, “She has privilege written all over this and her. We’re looking for candidates that went to state schools, got good grades, and worked at the library at night to pay for tuition. And maybe they got a few scholarships along the way too. Kids who have grit and perseverance and know how to face a challenge in its face.”

This part of the session made me stop and think about how I grew up and how Kaiden is (and is going to) grow up. I was that firm’s ideal candidate. I went to a state school, I got good grades, and I worked at the student center my sophomore through my senior year. I even worked during business school for the Department of Organizational Effectiveness. Will Kaiden be? Hard to tell since he’s going to grow up with parents who are financially more secure, who grew up in this country, and have access to things that my parents didn’t.

I think about the concept of privilege a lot, especially as a mom. And I think it’s amazing to want and be able to give your kids more than what you had (our parents did it!), but where do we draw the line? I, for one, would not be opposed to Kaiden working in HS and college. Just because he has a 529 in his name doesn’t mean he can’t save some of his own money for the things he wants to do.

I also believe the concept of privilege is something that’s established well before college. It’s about the conversations you have with your kids, the things you buy them, the people you surround yourself with, etc. Vishnu and I are trying to raise a good human, who may be a little privileged, but hopefully one who understands that what he’s been given should be used for the greater good in some way.

Ay ay ay…parenting…the wheels never stop turning!

State of Our Household – 3.5 Years Old

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Kaiden is officially 3.5 years old! We have a full blown little man on our hands, y’all. He literally sounds like a teenager sometimes (which can be funny or not so much depending on the day).

I think I’ve said this with every age, but I love 3. It’s challenging and frustrating at times, but I love all the cuteness that comes with it (especially the things he says).

With that, here’s how our household is doing at 3.5…

State of Kaiden

Physically, Kaiden is on the smaller side when it comes to weight, but this doesn’t surprise me given that Vishnu was pretty small as a young kid too. Surprisingly, he seems to be a little taller than what we would’ve expected, given that no one is a giant in our families.

Mentally, this kid is as smart as a whip. And it’s not because I’m biased. He is intellectually doing really well (also per his teachers). He understand more than we would ever expect and remembers that much more. While he’s not reading or writing much just yet, his ability to comprehend and put two and two together just blows my mind.

Emotionally, he just gets it too. Not always with his own emotions, but in terms of how certain things would make others feel. He can read a room really well.

Speaking of his own emotions, K is still very much allergic to any word that sounds like no. And when he wants something, he wants it. And when he doesn’t want something he doesn’t want it. The kid’s stubborn! His meltdowns can be pretty epic, but I think we’re getting good at predicting them and bracing ourselves. We’re also working on setting more firm boundaries and then letting him feel what he wants to feel about them. He’s entitled to that, and while he may not love them, boundaries are incredibly important.

In terms of food, K is so hit or miss at home. Sometimes he loves something and sometimes it’s ‘yucky.’ There are some dishes that I can be 99% sure will be a hit, so I tend to rotate those more regularly. But he still loves most veggies, fruits, cheese, pasta (specifically mac n’ cheese) and bread. Thankfully, he still eats well at daycare, so at least there’s that!

In terms of play, the biggest development is K’s love for pretend play, and I’m here for it! He loves to pretend and turn ordinary objects into castles and wands, etc. I’m so thankful for this because it means we don’t need too many toys to keep him occupied. Not that we have much room for more stuff!

And finally, he’s getting into slightly longer books (but still loves his shorter picture books), so I’m thinking about getting him some chapter books we can work through. Should be fun!

So that sums up Kaiden at 3.5. Let’s move on to how mama and dada are doing…

State of Mama

Oh man! As much as I want to pull my hair out sometimes, this sweet little boy has my whole heart plus some. He’s so full of kindness and understanding and joy, and I’m so thankful he’s mine!

In terms of how I’m doing, things are going well. It’s a bit of a juggle with full-time work, Awarify, Kaiden, Vishnu’s schedule, and home stuff. Phew! But I’m learning to let some stuff fall through the cracks when it doesn’t really matter. Haven’t perfected this yet, but I’m trying.

I feel like since I started my coaching program, I’m starting to become so much more aware of my own thoughts and if they’re serving me or not. I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat aware person, but I wasn’t…it take a lot of deep work and introspection and I’m working on it and discovering new things about myself. This is all to say that this new level of awareness is helping tremendously with my parenting. I’m learning new ways to think about things so they don’t get to me or don’t become a big issue.

I have some ambitious goals for 2021, but I’m tempering any expectations I place on myself, others, and any external situations. Given the year we’ve had, I think it’s better to stay agile when possible. Nonetheless, I’m excited for a new year and some light at the end of the tunnel.

Overall, I’m doing well and looking forward to new adventures with my kiddo!

State of Dada

Dada is BUSY! Lol! Fellowship is a lot of work and responsibility, but we’re lucky that Vishnu’s program is super organized and we know all his call/weekend dates ahead of time. This is the last leg of our medical training journey…next up is attendingship! I’ll be sharing more about that soon!

Vishnu and Kaiden have a really fun and rowdy relationship right now! I suspect it’ll stay that way for a while! I think K also looks to Vishnu as his source of calm because he’s so steady through all the emotions and ups and downs.

I will say that Vishnu is less emotional than me, so while he gives his love to K so openly and freely, he’s also less all over the place. Something I need to learn from him.

Overall, Vishnu’s doing well and really enjoying this age too, although a few times a week, he’ll tell me he’s sad Kaiden is growing up and won’t remain so little for long. #truethat

And that, my friends, is how our household is faring right now. I wish this update was a bit more exciting, but you know…these are Covid times. Hopefully year 4 will bring some better news with it!

State of Our Household – THREE YEARS OLD!

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We officially have a three year old on our hands! WHAT?!

I know this is the most cliche thing to say on your child’s birthday, but I remember every last detail of the days leading up to my delivery with so much clarity. If you want to know more about how Kaiden was brought into the world, read his birth story.

Anyways, let’s get to the details of this post and see how each member of our household is doing!

State of Kaiden

Oh how Mr. K has grown! I feel like just over the past three months, he’s grown in leaps and bounds. Some days, I feel like he’s three going on thirteen. But this age is still so much fun! You don’t know what he’s going to do or say…that element of surprise is a real thing, y’all!

In terms of his personality, he’s one of the funniest people I know! He’s so witty and knows how to get laughs. And if you don’t laugh, he’ll look at you and say, “LAUGH!” Well, ok then! He’s also really sweet. He doesn’t like to see people upset or hurt. I hope his sense of empathy only gets stronger as he gets older. In some ways, Kaiden is like me, he’s super emotional and can get upset quickly, but he gets over the situation quickly. He doesn’t hold grudges. What else? He’s also very stubborn (like most three year olds?!). Kaiden is always down for a good time. It takes him a bit to warm up to people, but once he does, there’s no stopping him!

In terms of sleep, we’re doing well. He goes down between 7:30-7:45p every night (although the antics have definitely started where he tries to keep me in the room as long as he can!), but he’ll fall asleep anywhere from the minute his head hits his pillow to 9 pm. Before he started school again, he was waking up between 7:15-7:30a most days, and now he’s up between 6-7a. Not an easy transition for his parents either! Naps are hit or miss, mostly still hits (those days are rough!). I think pushing his nap time back to 1:30p (vs. 1:00p) may help. We’ll see!

He’s still a pretty good eater. K loves most things, but it does take a bit to get him to the table. Once he’s there, he’s good. Like most kids, we still have our days where he doesn’t want to eat something and will say he’s full after a few bites. It takes everything in me to just be ok with that, but I’m trying! I want him to listen to his hunger cues, so I’m going to chalk it up to him truly not needing any food. Who knows!

Kaiden is now talking a ton! It’s incredible to see and probably one of my favorite developments over the past year. His vocab is pretty great, but what gets me is how much he can say in the correct context. It’s insane!

Like most toddlers, K doesn’t like hearing no or being told what to do. So we have to get creative! Ha! But I will say, if we can just stay calm and meet him on his level, he’s pretty good. It’s not like he won’t budge.

I know this is a very biased this to say, but I think I have the cutest, sweetest, happiest baby boy in the whole world! He really is the best, and I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!

State of Mama

Mama is doing well! I really do love this age, so even though things get rough from time to time, I find that it’s easier to handle.

Quarantine was interesting. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know that work + K wasn’t easy. Something I haven’t talked much about yet is self-care and energy management. I did/do work out every day, but I still haven’t been able to drop the pounds I gained last October. I was on a good path up until mid-March, and then it all went downhill. So I’m trying to focus on regular movement and healthier eating. Easier said than done, but I’m trying!

Other than that, I need to get on a better night time routine. I haven’t been going to sleep at a consistent time, and it shows! Every Monday, I tell myself this is my week! But nope. Two days in and I’m all over the place again. Let’s say this one is a work in progress.

Other than that, everything is the same old!

State of Dada

Vishnu graduated residency earlier this month, which was a momentous occasion for us! Woo hoo!

He’s now gearing up for fellowship and all that brings. It’s going to be a busy year!

Other than that, I’m happy to report that Kaiden and Vishnu’s relationship is the strongest it’s ever been. K is still very much a mama’s boy, but he loves his dada…always asking for him and wanting to wrestle with him! It’s fun to watch, and also a big relief because I’m not the only one he will go to! Woo hoo!

I’ll share another update at 3.5. I love rereading these posts and thinking back on little K!

Kaiden Starts Preschool!

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I shared on my IG page that Kaiden started back at school (PRESCHOOL!) this past Monday, and I just have to say that I love my little community…so much support and love for that little announcement.

I thought I would share a little more detail behind our thinking for sending him back, what his school is doing to minimize risk, how K is doing, how I’m doing etc. because while not everyone is in our same boat, I think reading/hearing other people’s perspective, especially in a situation like this, is helpful.

Our thinking behind sending K back

So the plan was always to send Kaiden back when Vishnu started fellowship, if school was open and if we were comfortable with the situation here in Chicago. This would’ve been on July 6th had we stuck to our original plan.

We opted to send him back two weeks sooner for a few different reasons. One, you guys, Kaiden was so bored at home and getting super restless. Vishnu spent one morning with him and was like, “Par, he has to go back sooner than later.” So we talked and decided this past Monday was a good time to start back.

Two, my work day can be VERY call heavy. Some days, I have up to 6 hours of calls. Juggling that, with work that needs to get down after my calls, plus Kaiden is A LOT. I’ve been able to manage the past few months because Vishnu’s been home more. But once he starts fellowship on July 1st, I’m on my own for the entire day plus some.

Three, our school has been very proactive with everything and ensuring proper protocol was in place before they opened. That gave us a lot of comfort in our decision (for now).

And four, Kaiden thrives when he has some structure, and as much as I want to provide him that at home, it’s impossible given how much my work schedule varies. And the opportunities he gets to socialize, learn and develop at school just aren’t possible at home right now.

New protocols at school

As happy as I am that our school is super strict about their operations now, it also makes me sad that things won’t go back to the way they were any time soon.

Anyways, in terms of new protocols, let’s start with drop off. No more stroller storage. Only one parents (with mask) allowed in the school lobby for drop off. Only two families in the lobby at a time (6 ft. apart of course). Temperature checks for child and parent. Hand sanitizer for child and parent. Teacher takes child to classroom (I haven’t even seen Kaiden’s new room yet!).

In terms of the day to day – trying to get kids to wear masks when possible. Kids are kept apart as much as possible (for example, when sitting for story time, they are spread out on the rug versus right next to each other). Lots of handwashing. Lots of outside time. No mixing of teachers and kids between classrooms. All teachers and administrators wear masks 100% of the time. No outside teachers/class – so music, Spanish, and yoga is virtually done. Reduced hours (used to be 7a-6:30p, now 8a-5p)

Then for pickup – only one parent again (with mask). And a quick departure!

How Kaiden is doing

Ok, so Monday was ok until I gave him a hug goodbye. That’s when he started screaming, “I just want to go home.” His teacher was right there and whisked him away very quickly. I called later in the day to see how he was doing and was told he only cried for 5 minutes. At pickup that day, he was all smiles and a chatty Cathy!

On Tuesday, he started crying the minute we stepped out of our apartment and didn’t really stop. Again, they told me he calmed down pretty quickly. And like clockwork, Mr. K was super happy at pickup. We went to the park after school and looked for helicopters and sticks. He didn’t stop talking the whole time;

That brings me to day 3 (yesterday). He cried a little at home an hour before we had to leave, but I told him we weren’t going anywhere yet, so he calmed down quickly. And then, like I had been since last Friday, I talked about how brave and strong he is. And how it’s ok to miss mama and dada, but just like every other day, I would be there to pick him up in a few hours. I then talked the whole way to daycare and played little games to distract him. We let him bring Mr. Elephant given I would have to bring him back home. HE DIDN’T SHED A SINGLE TEAR! Something I said must’ve stuck because he was so strong and brave! So very proud of my little guy! And pickup was again a cinch.

So while Kaiden is super happy when I pick him up and very chatty, he still has random meltdowns once we’re home. He is almost 3 after all!

Overall, I think it was a good decision to send him back because, like I said, he’s like me and thrives with a bit structure like me!

How mama is doing

When Vishnu fist mentioned sending K back 2 weeks early, I broke down and cried. I wasn’t against the idea…it just caught me off guard. I had July 6 in my mind and was planning towards that.

I was honestly fine with everything (day before, morning of, drop off) until we came home that first morning to a Kaiden-less apartment. I sobbed for 5 minutes before getting to work. I definitely watched videos of Kaiden whenever I could and eagerly waited for updates from the school. I did my best to keep my mind off the fact that he wasn’t home with us. But I couldn’t help but look back at the couch imagining him sitting there talking to me or asking me for more milk! Overall, I did better than I thought I would!

The next two days were honestly fine. I still miss him obviously, but my main focus is to help him transition and bringing my emotion into it won’t help…it’ll only make him more nervous.

With that, I will say that I have this voice in my head telling me to not get comfortable with our new routine. Things could change at any time. So per my mama mantra, I’m taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best – for the teachers, for the parents, and especially for the students!

If you have any questions, leave them in the comment box or message me at myinnershakti@gmail.com. Happy to share more!

Covid-19: Finding Balance for Working Families

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As I mentioned on Instagram last week, I led a webinar at work for working families. My team, as a whole, is running a series of webinars for our organisation to help people cope with this crisis and feel less alone.

The content of our webinar was pretty good, but I couldn’t have guessed how much it would resonate with people. We have requests to do more calls because people really need and want the support.

I figured it would be good to share this information on the blog as well, since so many of you are working parents who are now working from home with your kids. And honestly speaking, I think some of this information applies to parents who aren’t working from home (for a company) but just at home with their kids.

Hope you find something useful for your situation. Here we go…

What I want to share today are the top tips we discussed as a group. Of course, these are just a few of many, but these resonated with us as working parents.

Work Life

Don’t expect to work at your normal capacity – I read in an article that said, “Take the to-do list you had for today and cut it in half, then cut it in half again,”  That made me laugh! Everyone is going to be less productive during this time. Being proactive with your manager and co-workers and setting realistic expectations about what you can accomplish is necessary to prevent misunderstandings down the line.

Open and ongoing conversations – It’s not always easy to talk to your boss or colleagues in an open way about your family, especially when that means you will be working odd hours and may not deliver things during the traditional time. Regardless, it’s important to have these conversations and to be transparent when doing so. You team needs to understand what you’re facing right now. That’s the only way they will know what to expect and how to support you.

Agree on how and when you will communicate – Where possible, establish a schedule with your availability and put it in your work calendar. This will provide clarity for your team. Try to keep your out-of-office up to date as well. The more you can share, the better.  Establish with your manager the frequency with which you will both communicate as well as the format that will work best (email, calls, etc). 

Align your priorities – Your business priorities may have shifted. Establish what your new priorities are and get buy-in from your line manager.  And where possible, work with your manager to establish achievable timelines for your new priorities. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE – And most importantly, please remember that you are not alone at this time.  There are millions of people just like you who are trying to work, raise kids, and survive this virus. If you ever feel alone and don’t know where to turn, shoot me an email (myinnershakti@gmail.com). I’m always here!

Home + Kid Life

Self care – Harvard Business Review published an article in March where the author responsible for popularising the grief cycle explains how the ‘discomfort you are feeling’ right now is grief. This brings a range of emotions: grief over things that have changed or fear over what we may lose, along with anxiety, frustration, anger, bewilderment, sadness. With that being said, it’s important that we put on our own oxygen masks first, regardless of whether that’s before our kids or our colleagues. Taking care of yourself is key at a time like this.

Prioritize your schedule – Think through your most important tasks every day (2-3 at most) and figure out how to build your day around those.  Maybe that involves shift work with your partner, maybe it’s TV time, maybe it’s setting up activities the night before so your kids are occupied in the morning or whenever your important calls are.  This will look different for each of us, but it’s important to prioritize on a daily basis for both work as well as your home life and structure your day around those key things.

Protect your family life – If you live with a partner, try to ensure you are taking a fair share. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean the same or equal. But it is a balance that is fair for each of you given your individual responsibilities, pressures, and strengths. Also, make sure each parent has a share of the easier/more fun aspects of family life.  Put a plan together but be prepared to flex and/or rewrite it. Consider a quick family meeting each night to work out what’s happening the next day. Find time to talk through what worked/what didn’t work.

Define your temporary parenting principles – Maybe this is related to screen time and how much your kids get now versus how much time you allocated previously; maybe this means more frozen foods now whereas before your kids were eating fresh fruit and veggies; maybe this means more ice cream; or maybe a movie night three times a week.  These are unprecedented times, and temporarily changing your parenting principles/approach is OK and sometimes necessary for all parties!

Distance learning is a challenge for everyone – We’re not teachers.  We didn’t go to school for this. In fact, we had no time to prepare for this monumental shift. So instead of stressing out yourself and your kids, try to incorporate learning into everyday tasks and be more of an educational buddy.  This is more about survival than teaching the ABCs or times table.

The stories and anecdotes that were shared were awesome too. I honestly related to everything everyone said.

The bottom line is that we’re lucky to still have our jobs, but this is still hard. There’s lots of guilt, frustration, etc. But in the same breath, we’re lucky to be home with our babies – safe and sound.

I’ll share more of my insights and thoughts as we continue with more webinars and life at home with our kids…while trying to work. Ay ay ay!

Please stay at home, people. This virus is not pretty and we all need to do our part to keep everyone safe.

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