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Married to Medicine – Nearing the End

written by Parita Leave a Comment

Over the course of our marriage, I’ve written several posts about being married to someone in medicine – medical school, intern year, residency, fellowship. It’s all well documented here.

But now, we’re finally finally finally coming to end of this very long journey. We’re a month away from Vishnu finishing fellowship and being done with training! WOO FREAKING HOO! I can’t wait!

Now that we’re this.close to the end, I have a slightly different perspective about the past 10 years than I did while we were in the thick of them.

Vishnu’s med school graduation in 2015

With that, here are a few of my key lessons learned…

Before getting married, talk to your s/o about what the next few years will look like. You obviously won’t be able to anticipate everything that’s going to happen, but don’t go in blind or without talking to others who have been in your shoes.

Your s/o may change as they go along on this journey. Medicine is no joke. The amount of stress trainees face is intense – exams, applications, rotations, boards, actual training, finding a job. It’s A LOT and it would change anyone. There are times when I look at Vishnu and I’m like, “This isn’t the same exact person I met 16 years ago, but this is a man who’s been through his fair of challenges and has come out on top.” It’s important to communicate and check in whenever possible. The question “how are you doing today?” will go a long way.

Independence is the name of the game. Find your own hobbies and things that bring you joy because I can pretty much guarantee that your s/o will not be around nearly as much as you think they will. Even with they are at home, they’ll likely be reading, prepping for the next day, prepping for a conference, etc. Being able to do your own thing will only serve you. And honestly, don’t feel bad about it. Think of this as a unique opportunity to develop and find things you love.

If you have kids, you may end up being the primary parent. This one took me a while to wrap my head around. Not because we want it to be this way but because it has to be. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s tiring and overwhelming, and at times, it doesn’t feel fair, especially when you have your own career to think about. However, being in medicine, it’s highly unlikely your s/o will be able to drop what they’re doing at a moment’s notice to tend to your kid. Know that it will be like this for a little bit and deal with it.

Enjoy the process without being too attached to the different milestones. Even though it’s a stressful time, it’s also a beautiful time in your life. My advice would be to enjoy the ride without really focusing too much on specific milestones, dates, etc. You’ll get to the end one way or another, and it’s important to stay flexible and agile throughout.

Don’t dismiss your journey as the support person. This is an important one. My FIL always acknowledges and validates my role in this whole journey, and it’s SO appreciated. While Vishnu’s away doing shifts and taking exams, I’m at home with Kaiden, running a household, and working a FT job. I’m also everyone’s contact person, a planner, a cook, and coordinator. It’s not easy so don’t dismiss the very important role you play and your thoughts and emotions on this journey.

Embrace the uncertain – Plans may change, you may not know when your s/o is coming home, you may have to spend holidays alone, etc. It’s just the name of the game, so be ready for it. Not always fun (and I certainly didn’t always handle it in stride), but like with everything else, know that the uncertainty (for the most part depending on what specialty your s/o is in) will come to an end.

Sometimes it just plain sucks, and it’s ok to feel that way. Don’t feel guilty about not loving this journey. It’s not always fun. In fact, it’s hardly ever fun! And while it’s important to be grateful and all that, it’s also ok to just sit in the suckiness for a bit. Just know that…

As cliche as it sounds, it all goes so much faster than you can imagine. While it can suck sometimes, it really does fly by. I’ve been waiting for this exact moment for so long, and it’s finally here. I can hardly believe it. So when I say enjoy it for what it is and make the most of the training years. Travel when you can. Meet new people. Do what you need to do…all while knowing it will come to an end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

While being #marriedtomedcine isn’t easy, whenever I think of our journey, my mind always goes to military families who not only deal with all of the above but on a much larger and deeper scale. So yes, acknowledge where you are but keep a grateful heart always. That’s always helped me!

Written on June 1, 2021 Related:Life, Marriage, Uncategorized

The Realization That’s Made My Marriage Stronger

written by Parita 8 Comments

I posted a fun throwback picture on Instagram of me and Vishnu at a wedding we attended in LA back in May 2018.  I hesitate when positing these kinds of pics because I feel like they can be misleading sometimes.  First of all, we don’t always look like that.  In fact, I don’t like that 99% of the time.  Second of all, I feel like these kinds of pictures unintentionally portray a ‘perfect’ marriage.  And I don’t believe in perfect anything!

My mission [in life] is to be as real and authentic as I can and help others do the same!  So with that being said, let me tell you about where Vishnu and I were late last year and how we got to where we are now (a MUCH better/stronger place).

I’ve been pretty vocal about how the first 12 months of motherhood were hard for me.  I just wasn’t myself, and everything overwhelmed me.  While I think I was better after K turned one, I honestly think the biggest turning point came for me at the beginning of this year…with regards to most aspects of my life, including my marriage.

In October last year, Vishnu and I realized we were on two very different pages about almost everything.  We just weren’t connecting the way we usually did.  It probably wasn’t as dramatic as I’m making it out to be, but I can tell you this, something needed to change and we both knew it.

After some open and courageous conversations (and tears on my part!), as well as a lot of individual self-reflection, we made progress.  Slowly but surely.  We also came to the understanding that we’re different now as parents.  We have this super important priority named Kaiden who inevitably changed our dynamic and will continue to do so as he gets older.  But instead of looking at it as a bad thing, we are now choosing to really listen, ask the right questions, and be more forthcoming.  At the end of the day, our marriage will shape Kaiden’s views about relationships for the rest of his life!

Additionally, something Vishnu said to me during this time really put things in perspective.  He said, “I love you more than anything in this world, so you have to believe me when I tell you that nothing I say or do is meant to hurt you.  I know it can and will hurt you, but that’s never my intention.”  This realization changed everything for me, including how I respond in different situations.  Now (for the most part), I come at it from a “let me try to understand first” perspective versus a “oh hell nawwwww” one!  When I changed how I responded to him, Vishnu changed too.  It’s incredible! 

It’s funny to me how ultimately everything comes down to communication.  If you don’t talk about it, you’ll definitely shout about it! <- (I hope that made you giggle just a little!)

And before I let you get on with your Friday, remember this…perfection doesn’t exist.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, has their shit.  That’s life.  Don’t let the internet or what people portray fool you.

With that, happy weekend!

Written on February 22, 2019 Related:Marriage, Parenthood

couple on chicago river downtown

Post-Baby Couple’s Bucket List

written by Parita 8 Comments

I always tell Vishnu the hardest thing about entering parenthood was and continues to be prioritizing our relationship. I just didn’t expect it to be this hard.  But all good things in life are worth working hard for so there is that!

Pre-baby Vishnu and Par made time to cook dinner together, watch movies, explore the neighborhood, grab a bite to eat, meet up with friends, go out for a drink, etc. Post-baby Vishnu and Par have all the right intentions, but their execution is a little off.  Ha!

couple on chicago river downtown

Pre-baby us!

I had great post-baby pictures of both me and Vishnu passed out from sheer exhaustion, but they’re no longer on my phone.  Darn!

The reason I’m even sharing this is because I don’t think we’re alone. Once you become a parent, you realize there are certain things no one talks about, including how much harder you have to work on your relationship.  I’m sure there are some people who will claim everything is better now that baby’s here, and I’ll admit some things did get better.  I 110% love Vishnu more now because of the amazing father (and husband) he is.  But that doesn’t mean everything is great.  We work really hard to ensure our strengths as a couple only get stronger, but we work even harder to address our weaknesses and areas of opportunity.  We don’t always get it right, but we always try.

I wholeheartedly believe happy mama = happy baby. But now, I equally believe happy parents = happy baby.  It’s really important to me and Vishnu that we model a healthy relationship for Kaiden.  And healthy by no means equals perfect.  A healthy relationship is one that above all else embodies respect, communication, trust, honesty, and love.  It’s also one where the parents aren’t afraid to put themselves first every now and then.

With that being said, a month or so ago, we sat down to talk about how to keep our relationship fresh and still feel like us. Vishnu came up with the brilliant idea of creating a 2018 bucket list of all the things we want to do together.  So we took the next day to brainstorm separately, and then we came back together to share our ideas and narrow them down to our 10 favorites.

Post-Baby Couple’s Bucket List

  1. Wine and cheese night once a month
  2. Book club for 2 (we’re starting Dark Places in a few days!)
  3. Weekend getaway (close by)
  4. When we sit down to watch ‘our’ shows, no technology allowed and we have to hold hands
  5. Try one new restaurant every month (with or without baby)
  6. Go out to the movies a few times a year (keeping the bar low I guess!)
  7. Make a new-to-us recipe together once a month
  8. Run a race together
  9. Administer a no technology policy one day a month
  10. Take rock climbing classes
  11. Go on a family picnic a few times in the spring/summer
  12. Go bowling a few times a year
  13. Make it a mission to go to one of every type of Chicago sports game – football, hockey, baseball, basketball
  14. Go to a concert (just one!)
  15. Attend a local event (at a museum for example)
  16. Take golf lessons (this was all V!)
  17. Go to a BYOB painting event

New and/or seasoned parents – do you feel like you had/have to work harder on your relationship now that babies/kids are in the picture?

Written on February 20, 2018 Related:Baby, Marriage, Parenthood

Mexico 66 Birch White Onitsuka Tigers

A Pair of Onitsuka Tigers Made Me Cry

written by Parita 6 Comments

Let me start by saying that those who know me best will likely not be surprised by this story.  It’s very Parita.

So Vishnu is a huge fan of the Asics Onitsuka Tiger line of shoes.  He has at least five different pairs.  If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a street sneak that comes in lots of different colors and style variations.

Up until this past year, I’ve never really been interested in owning a pair of Onitsuka Tigers.  Vishnu even bought me a pair he found on sale, and while I loved his thoughtfulness, the style just wasn’t my favorite.  They’re now my errand shoes. 🙂

With that being said, after searching high and low for my perfect casual sneaker, I found the PERFECT pair of Tigers.  These bad boys checked every box.  Neutral color scheme, not too bulky/wide, and decent price point.

You’d think I’d just hit the purchase button, but for some reason, I couldn’t.  The thought of buying these shoes made me feel guilty.  I have no explanation because I bought plenty of other things at higher price points so it wasn’t about the money.

Anyways, by the time I was ready to make these my own, every website was out of my size – Asics, Amazon, Zappos, you name it.  Vishnu told me he would keep an eye out and hit that purchase button as soon as he could.

And then…we had a baby and life got busy.  New shoes were no longer a priority.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon.  Vishnu, Kaiden, and I went to brunch, and on our way back, I took a little detour to Michigan Ave to run a few errands while the boys headed home.  When I walked into the apartment, Vishnu asked me what size my first pair of Tigers are.  I told him, and he responded by telling me to check and make sure.  I opened our shoe closet, found the shoes, checked the size, and told him again.  I could tell he was trying to get to something but couldn’t figure out what.  When he realized I wasn’t getting it, he got up, walked over to me, reached into the closet, and pulled out a brand new pair of Tigers…the very ones I’d been eyeing for months!!!

Mexico 66 Birch White Onitsuka Tigers

What did I do?

Welllll…I burst into tears.  You guys, I had HUGE tears running down my face for at least 3-5 minutes.  It was a little ridiculous!

Vishnu, knowing full well this was a very Parita reaction, was still a bit surprised.  So he did two very Vishnu like things.  He hugged me and laughed.  While I cried and asked why he’s so nice to me.

I chalk all of this up to Vishnu’s thoughtfulness and…the last bit of pregnancy hormones that have yet to leave my body.  Ha!

But seriously, how cute is my hubby?  And how dramatic am I?

Also, if you can find your size, get these shoes because they’re awesome.  Also, we can be shoe twins! 🙂

Written on August 28, 2017 Related:Fashion, Marriage, Relationships

5 year anniversary

5 Years of Love, Laughter, and Driving Each Other a Little Crazy

written by Parita 2 Comments

Today is mine and Vishnu’s wedding anniversary!  5 years of love, laughter, and driving each other a little crazy.  And I wouldn’t change any of it for the world!

On our wedding day, I remember thinking, “This is the BEST day of my life.  I’m marrying my best friend.”  And while it was an amazing day and so special in so many ways, I now know how wrong I was.  It wasn’t the best day of my life.

Every day since, no matter how hard or crazy, has been the best.  Waking up next to him is the best. Eating with him is the best.  Watching TV with him is the best.  Running errands with him is the best.  Cooking with him is the best.  Yes, even arguing with him is…ok so not the best, but there’s no one else I’d rather bicker with!  Basically, doing life with him is the BEST.

And soon enough navigating parenthood with him will be the best!

Love you, boo!  Here’s to the past 5 years and the lifetime ahead of us!

5 year anniversary

The start of the rest of our lives!

5 year anniversary

Honeymooning!

5 year anniversary

Year 1 in the books!

5 year anniversary

Babymooning!

[Insert year 5 picture]

Year 5 in the books!

 

Written on June 30, 2017 Related:Life, Marriage, Relationships

Why do you love me?

Why Do You Love Me?

written by Parita 2 Comments

As you guys know, I’m obsessed with This is Us.  Tuesdays bring a sense of pure happiness (because I love the show so much) and a sense of dread (because I know the tears will be flowing).  The past few weeks were no different, as I sobbed my way through most every episode.  Such a human show!

The season finale aired this past week, and while it didn’t induce as many tears, the last five minutes were as equally heartbreaking as they were heartwarming.  No worries, I’m not going to give anything away!

Two of the main characters get into a heated argument and one asks the other, “Why do you love me?”  At first, there is no response, but then the next morning, this particular character blows us away, as he always does, with his answer.  That’s when my tears start!

Why do you love me?

 

After the episode ended, I looked at Vishnu and asked, “Why do you love me?”  Without an ounce of hesitation, he said, “I love you because you make me feel more like me than anyone I’ve ever known.”

[Cue more tears!]

My husband is the sweetest man ever (when he wants to be!), and with that answer, I’m pretty sure he could be on the This is Us writing staff!

Happy Friday, all!  And when you say I love you to the special people in your life, be sure to tell them why.  It’ll make their day!

Written on March 17, 2017 Related:Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Weekly Marriage Meeting

Weekly Marriage Meeting

written by Parita Leave a Comment

I’d like to think that after over four years of marriage Vishnu and I are pretty good communicators and generally know what we each need to do to keep our household running.  But then out of nowhere, a great idea presents itself.

When my sister and her husband came over for dinner the other night, they talked about their weekly marriage meeting.  This is something they recently implemented to stay on the same page every week.  With two incredibly demanding schedules, it’s easy to focus on work and put your marriage and essential tasks on the back burner.  Especially as newlyweds.

What’s a weekly marriage meeting you ask?  Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like.  It’s a 30 ish minute weekly meeting where you come together as a couple and do some or all of the following…

  • Give a general update on your weekly happenings
  • Share something your partner did that you really appreciated
  • Review the previous week’s goals
  • Set a few key goals for the coming week
  • Discuss financials and anything related to your family budget
  • Meal plan together

Personally, this is right up my alley.  I love setting (and achieving) goals, meal planning, etc.

Weekly Marriage MeetingEven if you’re nothing like me, hear me out. Relationships are hard work and require special attention.  I think that’s something we can all agree on.  I also think we can agree on the fact that it’s easy to take your significant other for granted every now and again.  It’s not intentional of course, but when you see each other everyday, it’s easy to make everything but your love a priority.  These meetings help avoid that!

If you’re still not convinced, how about this – your relationship is like your job.  It requires you to set goals, check in regularly, acknowledge what’s working well, provide constructive feedback, etc.  A good friend said this to me once, and it really stuck.  I would never let my responsibilities at work to fall to the wayside, so why would I do that to my most precious relationship.  Am I right or am I right?!

Anyways, now that you’re convinced that you and your significant other need to hold weekly meetings, here are a few ground rules to ensure your meetings are productive.

  • Schedule your meetings so that everything else revolves around them.  And don’t cancel!
  • Put your phone and anything else that could prove to be a distraction away.
  • Sit together.  Side-by-side.  It’s more intimate!
  • Always keep an open mind and frame everything in a positive way.  This is not the time to bring your grievances to the table.  Schedule a separate meeting for that!

In all honestly, Vishnu and I did a lite version of this for a couple of weeks (and actually enjoyed it).  We didn’t follow rule #1 so that’s probably why the concept didn’t stick. But with a new year upon us in a few short weeks, I’m ready to bring weekly marriage meetings back.  Wish us luck!

Do you and your significant other do something similar?  What are you tips and tricks for staying on the same page when life gets in the way?

Written on November 17, 2016 Related:Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

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