My Inner Shakti

finding strength in everyday things

3 Months Later…

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I can’t believe it’s been three months since I’ve blogged here. I had every intention of writing/sharing regularly, and then the fatigue and exhaustion hit. Let’s just say there was lots of falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 pm over the last three months!

Also, lots to prep for baby’s arrival, lots to get ready in the new place, and lots to transition at work prior to my maternity leave (which starts Monday!).

At this point, I think we’re ready! But really, ready or not, right?! She’s coming in <4 days!

Anyways, I thought I’d share a bit about the past three months (well, what I can remember of it) since this blog has always been a space for me to document life as it happens. When pregnant with Kaiden, I shared a bit more regularly and wish I had done that this time around because it’s fun for me to go back and read about what life was like at X weeks pregnant. But such is life when you’re expecting the second time around, have a four year old that needs your energy, and a husband who just started a new big job. And oh yeah, you moved across the country in the middle of all of this!

KAIDEN – Mr. K has fully adjusted to his new school here in GA, which is a huge relief because that definitely wasn’t the case for about 1.5 months. If you follow me on IG, you know that summer soccer was a bust, but we start piano this Sunday and both Vishnu and I think this may be something right up his alley. He’s definitely showing us that he loves art/using his creative side. His piano teacher shared that for this age group she likes to incorporate movement and song so it’s more of a holistic learning experience. I think K will love that!

Other than that, he’s your typical four year old who sometimes thinks he’s 14! I love this age because language and logic are starting to come together, and while it all should make sense, there’s certain phrases he’ll use or things he’ll say that’ll make us laugh because he doesn’t quite understand the meaning behind something. For example, he was drawing a picture for my sister the other day and wanted to draw hearts. He looked over at me and said, “Mama, I’m making love. But it’s a different kind of love.” So sweet but also making love. HA! I love it!

In terms of baby sis, I honestly have no idea how K is going to handle this huge change. Part of me thinks he’ll adjust fine and part of me knows it’s going to be a while before he feels like his new normal is normal. Whatever it is, we’re going to take things one day at a time and make every effort to ensure Kaiden feels special and loved and needed. Wish us luck!

VISHNU AND PAR – Vishnu and I are doing well. The other day, we both confessed to each other that the thing we’re most nervous about with this new baby is the lack of sleep. It sounds so selfish, but we know how brutal (and short-lived in the grand scheme of things) it is. After a couple of years of normal sleep, we’re not looking forward to reverting back. HOWEVER, this is the last time we’ll be experiencing this with a cute little housemate, so there’s that! She’ll be 110% worth it!

I’m also nervous about the whole breastfeeding/pumping situation. With K I was an exclusive pumper. Not sure what direction little miss will take us down, but I’m promising to give myself grace when it comes to this part of the process. Exclusive pumping did a number on my mental state the last time around, so I’m letting go of any expectations and planning (at this point) to be happy with whatever happens. Woo sah!

Like I shared earlier, Vishnu started his new job at the beginning of August and loves it! Big relief! And I will say radiology attending life is SO MUCH better than residency/fellowship. No overnight call, some work from home shifts, decent hours…loving it! I’m hoping all of this translates to him being more present with the baby. With K, he was a new second year resident (the hardest year of residency) and worked a ton. He then had a 3 week stint in DC, boards, fellowship interviews, fellowship itself, job hunting, etc. I need to do a more comprehensive post about this time in our life, but it sure was hectic!

I’m on vacation this week and start maternity leave on Monday. I’ve transitioned all of my work stuff over to a few different people and feel good about that. Ready to take on my newest role as mama of 2! But in all seriousness, I definitely more prepared this time around (at least logistically). I also think I have much more realistic expectations of motherhood and what the first 6-12 months will be like. And most importantly, I have a true village that’s ready to step in at a moments notice, including a therapist (absolutely key for me!).

WE READY!

MISCELLANEOUS UPDATES

If you haven’t already jumped on the Ted Lasso bandwagon yet, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? DO IT! Such an amazing, feel good show! Highly recommend it.

I also binged on Never Have I Ever and actually enjoyed it! Mindy Kaling’s shows always start of strong for me and then fizzle a little, but I’m really hoping season 3 just continues to build on 1/2 with this one.

And finally, in terms of TV news, Vishnu and I start Sex Education on Netflix the other day per my sister’s insistence. It’s really good! We’re only 3 or 4 episodes in and definitely hooked!

I’ve been reading a lot lately (trying to squeeze in as much as I can!). Signing up at our local library has truly brought me joy in a way I can’t explain. I loved libraries growing up and also the fact that I’m saving lots of $$$. I’ve been checking lots of books out for Kaiden too, which is fun for everyone because it ensures we have a steady rotation every night and aren’t stuck reading the same superhero book. HA!

If you follow me on IG, you know that I recently started using PanOxyl for my pregnancy acne. It’s a freaking miracle in a face wash, y’all! In a short 1.5 weeks, my acne has started to clear up in a way I’ve never seen before. INCREDIBLE STUFF! Wish I hadn’t waited so long to try this, especially given that Vishnu’s been using it since the start of the pandemic. LOL!

I also recently purchased Inde Wild’s Vitamin C and Bakuchiol because they’re safe for breastfeeding, etc. I’ll report back on how my skin responds in a few weeks.

There’s probably so much more that I’m not sharing, BUT (like I always say but fail to commit to!), I plan to share more here in the coming months. I love how there’s no caption limit, there’s no worry about numbers/algorithms, etc. and I can pretty much write free form (excuse any typos or grammar mistakes please!). MIS the OG blog is really jam!

Lots more to come soon!

Written on Related:Baby, Life

5 on a Friday

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Happy Friday from our new place in Atlanta! We’re here and settling in. It’s been a little under two weeks since we’ve moved in, and I’m happy to report that things are slowly coming together

I thought I’d share 5 random but relevant things today as they pertain to our life right now.

  1. Transitions are very very hard for kids. I obviously knew this going in to our move, but man, the way Kaiden has been adjusting took me by surprise. He’s the sweetest, gentlest boy ever, but his emotions have been all over the place lately. Again, totally 100% understandable, but you never know what will set him off. I’m hoping our new home, routine, etc. start to feel more natural to him in a couple of weeks (because that’s when daddy goes to work and mama will have to do a lot of the routine on her own!).
  2. I’m not going to lie and pretend that K was the only one experiencing heightened emotions. I was right there with him, especially when we just moved in and everything was everywhere. I had to stop, take a deep breath, and talk to Vishnu about how I was feeling because it was causing me to feel super overwhelmed. Thinking about the baby and all that we need to do to prepare for her arrival is already a lot, but add on 40+ boxes and crap everywhere, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Thankfully, my husband knows me well and said all the right things to calm me down.
  3. Speaking of my husband, he’s truly a rock star. He’s been working day and night to make this place livable and homey. I LOVE HIM!
  4. In non-moving related news, we LOVE our Peloton bike. Both Vishnu and I have been using it over the past couple of weeks, and while it’s definitely an investment, we’re so glad we made it. Definitely makes working out super fun…our legs hate us immediately afterwards, but they’ll thank us later!
  5. I’m going to be reunited with my sister (and BIL) after a whole month! This is huge for me/us because I used to see them at least once a week. They’re also moving to Atlanta but are currently in a transition state because the home they purchased is still being built. They’ve also been traveling a little this month, so they’re not quite back yet, but they’re here until Monday. And I’m so glad we’ll get to see them a bit this weekend! Kaiden is also super excited to see his masi and masa!

Ok, that’s all I have for now. I hope y’all have an awesome Friday and weekend!

On Slowing Down

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In the past few weeks alone, I’ve had more than one person tell me I’m a fast mover.

“That baby girl is just slowing you down. But not by much.”
“Girl, you are a fast preggo.”

I’ve always been this way. I walk fast, I talk fast, I eat fast, I type fast. And I get irritated when others are slow in any way, especially when it comes to walking. Some may even say I lack patience sometimes!

But these comments lately have made me laugh and pause because I’m finding that I want to slow down more. I’m clearly having a hard time.

I was talking to my colleague and friend Ros about this a few weeks ago, and we both said that slowing down makes us feel less productive. However, we both acknowledge that not every task requires us to finish in record time. The extra five minute won’t kill us! It’s more about intentionally deciding what needs to be done quickly because of deadlines, others being involved, etc. and what can be done more slowly.

I’m trying my hardest to apply this logic to my daily tasks…and it’s HARD! I’m so programmed to be quick that slowing down literally takes me talking to myself while doing most things as a reminder to not rush through.

Part of me is also very aware that this stage of life is one I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. To be home, around family and friends. To raise beautiful and kind humans with someone I love and adore. I want to look back and say that I lived these years slowly and purposefully. I want to recall details. I want those around me to feel my presence.

This is going to require a lot of work. As I’ve shared, I’m trying to build a simple daily meditation practice. I’m telling myself to slow down all the time. And I’m also sharing this public post in the hopes that those who know me IRL keep me accountable to this important goal.

With that, I’m about to go through my skincare routine very slowly, enjoying the process. And then it’s time to hit the sack! Good sleep seems to be an important part of this too!

Written on Related:Life, Self

S*** Show of a Morning

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Before anyone thinks Vishnu and I are operating in a calm, collected, ‘everything goes as we need/want’ household, let me set the record straight.

This morning was a great example of how things can go wrong very quickly.

Let’s review.

5:45 am – Vishnu and I wake up and start getting ready for our respective days.
6:15 am – I start prepping breakfast while Vishnu gets everything else together for him and K.
6:30 am – I wake Kaiden up (he usually sleeps until 7:15) because I have a call starting at 6:45. The plan is to have Vishnu drop K off at school by 7:30, so he can get to work by 8.
6:35 am – I tell K the plan and he’s fine with it.
6:40 am – Kaiden decides he wants eggs for breakfast, so I quickly scramble and cook two eggs. Kaiden gets upset because he wanted to scramble the eggs.
6:45 am – I head into our bedroom for my call. But not without a loud good-bye. Kaiden starts crying and screaming because he wants me to take my call after I drop him off at school. I have no choice but to lock myself in my room. Vishnu takes over.
6:45-7:45 am – I’m on my call with Kaiden at the door trying to break in, screaming, crying…the whole enchilada. I hear everything from “Don’t look at me” to “Move your body.” Oh boy!
8:00 am – Vishnu and K finally leave for school. Vishnu’s late for work. However, my call went well, so there’s that!

No one’s life is perfect and these types of situations happen. They used to stress me out, but I’ve realized the best way to get through them is to stay calm and flow. Kids are going to be kids (esp the stubborn ones!), and life has to go on…we have to go to work, be on calls, get things done, etc.

So the next time you’re dealing with something hard, just remember…it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US and there’s at least a million of us experiencing it alongside you at any given point!

Married to Medicine – Nearing the End

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Over the course of our marriage, I’ve written several posts about being married to someone in medicine – medical school, intern year, residency, fellowship. It’s all well documented here.

But now, we’re finally finally finally coming to end of this very long journey. We’re a month away from Vishnu finishing fellowship and being done with training! WOO FREAKING HOO! I can’t wait!

Now that we’re this.close to the end, I have a slightly different perspective about the past 10 years than I did while we were in the thick of them.

Vishnu’s med school graduation in 2015

With that, here are a few of my key lessons learned…

Before getting married, talk to your s/o about what the next few years will look like. You obviously won’t be able to anticipate everything that’s going to happen, but don’t go in blind or without talking to others who have been in your shoes.

Your s/o may change as they go along on this journey. Medicine is no joke. The amount of stress trainees face is intense – exams, applications, rotations, boards, actual training, finding a job. It’s A LOT and it would change anyone. There are times when I look at Vishnu and I’m like, “This isn’t the same exact person I met 16 years ago, but this is a man who’s been through his fair of challenges and has come out on top.” It’s important to communicate and check in whenever possible. The question “how are you doing today?” will go a long way.

Independence is the name of the game. Find your own hobbies and things that bring you joy because I can pretty much guarantee that your s/o will not be around nearly as much as you think they will. Even with they are at home, they’ll likely be reading, prepping for the next day, prepping for a conference, etc. Being able to do your own thing will only serve you. And honestly, don’t feel bad about it. Think of this as a unique opportunity to develop and find things you love.

If you have kids, you may end up being the primary parent. This one took me a while to wrap my head around. Not because we want it to be this way but because it has to be. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s tiring and overwhelming, and at times, it doesn’t feel fair, especially when you have your own career to think about. However, being in medicine, it’s highly unlikely your s/o will be able to drop what they’re doing at a moment’s notice to tend to your kid. Know that it will be like this for a little bit and deal with it.

Enjoy the process without being too attached to the different milestones. Even though it’s a stressful time, it’s also a beautiful time in your life. My advice would be to enjoy the ride without really focusing too much on specific milestones, dates, etc. You’ll get to the end one way or another, and it’s important to stay flexible and agile throughout.

Don’t dismiss your journey as the support person. This is an important one. My FIL always acknowledges and validates my role in this whole journey, and it’s SO appreciated. While Vishnu’s away doing shifts and taking exams, I’m at home with Kaiden, running a household, and working a FT job. I’m also everyone’s contact person, a planner, a cook, and coordinator. It’s not easy so don’t dismiss the very important role you play and your thoughts and emotions on this journey.

Embrace the uncertain – Plans may change, you may not know when your s/o is coming home, you may have to spend holidays alone, etc. It’s just the name of the game, so be ready for it. Not always fun (and I certainly didn’t always handle it in stride), but like with everything else, know that the uncertainty (for the most part depending on what specialty your s/o is in) will come to an end.

Sometimes it just plain sucks, and it’s ok to feel that way. Don’t feel guilty about not loving this journey. It’s not always fun. In fact, it’s hardly ever fun! And while it’s important to be grateful and all that, it’s also ok to just sit in the suckiness for a bit. Just know that…

As cliche as it sounds, it all goes so much faster than you can imagine. While it can suck sometimes, it really does fly by. I’ve been waiting for this exact moment for so long, and it’s finally here. I can hardly believe it. So when I say enjoy it for what it is and make the most of the training years. Travel when you can. Meet new people. Do what you need to do…all while knowing it will come to an end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

While being #marriedtomedcine isn’t easy, whenever I think of our journey, my mind always goes to military families who not only deal with all of the above but on a much larger and deeper scale. So yes, acknowledge where you are but keep a grateful heart always. That’s always helped me!

Raising Privileged Kids

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My organization runs a learning program for senior leaders that’s led by Harvard Business School. This year, I’m able to attend because our first module is virtual. Today was the first day of the four week program, and the session was about strategy and a few other things.

As I was listening, a lot of my core Finance and MBA knowledge was coming back to me, but my ears really perked up when the professor started talking about human capital, recruiting, and strategizing about the kind of people you want to work for you.

He told a story about a friend of friend whose daughter applied to a widely known and respected consulting firm. After her second interview, she was told she didn’t qualify. When she told her dad, he basically went on a mission to find out why she was rejected. He happened to be engaging with this firm in his own job, so he approached the lead partner and asked him if he had any insights into what happened with his daughter. Mind you, this is a huge organization. The partner couldn’t give specifics about his daughter, but he did offer to look at her resume. He also asked her dad what she did for fun, what her hobbies were, etc. After the dad rambled on and on about the prestigious private school she attended for college, the international traveller she was, etc., the partner stopped him and said I think I know what’s going on but let me take a look at her resume.

One glance at her resume, and he said this, “She has privilege written all over this and her. We’re looking for candidates that went to state schools, got good grades, and worked at the library at night to pay for tuition. And maybe they got a few scholarships along the way too. Kids who have grit and perseverance and know how to face a challenge in its face.”

This part of the session made me stop and think about how I grew up and how Kaiden is (and is going to) grow up. I was that firm’s ideal candidate. I went to a state school, I got good grades, and I worked at the student center my sophomore through my senior year. I even worked during business school for the Department of Organizational Effectiveness. Will Kaiden be? Hard to tell since he’s going to grow up with parents who are financially more secure, who grew up in this country, and have access to things that my parents didn’t.

I think about the concept of privilege a lot, especially as a mom. And I think it’s amazing to want and be able to give your kids more than what you had (our parents did it!), but where do we draw the line? I, for one, would not be opposed to Kaiden working in HS and college. Just because he has a 529 in his name doesn’t mean he can’t save some of his own money for the things he wants to do.

I also believe the concept of privilege is something that’s established well before college. It’s about the conversations you have with your kids, the things you buy them, the people you surround yourself with, etc. Vishnu and I are trying to raise a good human, who may be a little privileged, but hopefully one who understands that what he’s been given should be used for the greater good in some way.

Ay ay ay…parenting…the wheels never stop turning!

What Will Be Bill Gates’ Legacy?

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Bill and Melinda Gates recently announced that they were getting divorced. I must admit I was a little shocked when I saw that headline. Of course, I have no insight into what happens behind the scenes of anyone’s marriage, but I just figured they were all good since they’re such do gooders! Wrong assumption to make, I guess.

Anyways, when I first read the headline, I didn’t think twice about it. Then I read a follow-up article that said Bill goes on annual intellectual retreats with his ex-girlfriend. I told Vishnu about that, and we both agreed it sounded fishy. But if he’d been doing it for years, why get divorced now?

The the articles about asking women out to dinner and Bill’s friendship with Jeffrey Epstein came out, and everything made more sense. It seemed that this has all been brewing since 2019.

In the grand scheme of things, this is really no one’s business but there’s IMO, however, it all does make you stop and pause…

What is Bill Gates’ legacy going to be?

Will he be remembered as the man who gave millions and millions to people around the world who needed it the most (and saved lives while he was at it)? Will he be remembered as an innovative genius who revolutionized the way we use technology? Will he be remembered for his foundation?

Or will he be remembered for the recent turn of events?

Vishnu definitely believes it’s the former and passionately believes it should be that way. If I’m being honest, I’m a little torn. While I do think he’s singlehandedly done so much amazing work, recent news points to his very human flaws. I think I just feel like he’s not as moral and straightforward as he came across, and that’s just disappointing.

But that begs the point…no one…absolutely no one…is infallible.

P.S. I told Vishnu that if we one day learn Barack Obama did something shady to Michelle, I would go hide under a rock for two weeks. That would be some MAJOR disappointment right there!

P.P.S. I fully know and understand that there are waaaaay more important things happening in the world right now. This was just something Vishnu and I discussed at length the other night, so I wanted to share.

What do you think? What will and should Bill Gates’ legacy be?

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