PSA: Don’t Ask a Woman When She’s Planning to Have Kids

*The only caveat to my PSA (public service announcement) is when someone confides in you about her plans, struggles, etc.  If and only then should you check in.

I am no stranger to the question, “When are you and Vishnu planning to have a baby?”  I am now also no longer a stranger to the question, “When are you planning to have baby #2?”

I mean, really?  Look, I know these questioners are generally well-meaning.  These days, baby comments/questions ‘seem’ as normal as ones about the weather.  And in one respect, it ‘seems’ like people are more comfortable than ever sharing personal tidbits of information via social media.  However, that still doesn’t make it acceptable to ask a woman who looks to be in her child-bearing years when she’s planning to have kids.  Just bite your tongue and know that if/when she becomes pregnant, you will definitely know.

Vishnu and I consider ourselves very lucky.  I was 32 when I got pregnant with Kaiden but that was by choice.  We didn’t have any real issues conceiving.  So yes, while the questions are annoying and invasive and insensitive, they don’t bother me that much.

That’s not the case for everyone.  Please know that your question about when someone’s planning to have kids could trigger a number of emotions, thoughts, etc.

You don’t know how long this person’s been trying to get pregnant.  It doesn’t come easy to most.

You don’t know if this person is currently undergoing medical treatments in order to get pregnant.

You don’t know if this person has miscarried and how many times.  You can’t see the pain a woman carries in her heart.

You don’t know if this person has been told that she will never be able to carry a child to term.  Again, this isn’t something you can see/read on someone’s face.

And just because someone had a ‘seemingly’ easy time getting pregnant with baby #1, you don’t know the story with subsequent babies (see above).  It’s never appropriate to ask.

Then there’s the other side of the coin.  Just because a woman can get pregnant doesn’t mean she should.  Believe it or not, there are people who don’t want children.  And that is absolutely ok.  Again I repeat,  just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should/want to.

But most importantly, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, it really just isn’t any of your business when someone is planning to have kids.  Or if they’re planning to have kids.  So don’t ask.  You’ll know when you know.