Working Mama Tears

Last night, as Vishnu and I perused our shared iCloud photo album titled ‘Baby K,’ he looked at me and said, “When you go back to work and feel sad, just look through this album to be reminded of what you get to come home to.’

He, of course, had the very best intentions when saying this.  In fact, he even shared that this is what he does on a daily basis.

However, I started sobbing before he even finished his sentence.  The thought of not being with Kaiden brought tears to my eyes.

Thankfully, my husband knows me well and was able to talk me through my feelings.  I eventually calmed down.

So here’s the thing.  I’m going to be a working mom.  In 5 weeks and 2 days, I will get up, get ready, and go to the office for nine hours.  Then I’ll come home, hang out with Kaiden for a few hours and do it all over again the next day.

Above all else, I have to work.  There’s no way around it for us right now financially.  Let me also say, despite feeling really sad about not being with my baby for nine hours of the day, there’s a part of me that looks forward to going back to work. Which brings me to my next point…

Part of me is excited to go back to work, to wear something other than pajamas and active wear everyday, to interact with other adults, to use my brain a bit more strategically, etc.  Sure, I wish I could do all of this on a part time basis, but like I said, it’s just not possible right now.  There’s another part of me that wishes I could work from home.  And finally, there’s a huge part of me that feels guilty for being excited about going back to work and also for knowing that I wouldn’t be completely happy staying at home.  Even though I love my baby oh so much.

Oy vey…so many emotions (including guilt).

You see, Kaiden is my wish come true.  I’ve wanted him for as long as I can remember.  And it really kills me that both Vishnu and I are going to miss so much time with him.  I’m slowly coming to terms with it, but it still hurts my heart.

On the flip side, I’ve worked so hard for my professional life.  So many risks, so much studying, so many meetings, SO many moves.  And I have more I want to accomplish.  I truly enjoy what I do and the people I work with.

Beyond all of this, it brings me a sense of pride to know that Kaiden will grow up watching me (and Vishnu) integrate work and life.  It won’t be seamless.  It’ll likely be clumsy and a little messy.  And it will definitely require compromise.  And let’s be honest, I’ll probably cry a lot (ha!).  But at the end of the day, I hope he remembers I did my absolute best.  For him and for me (and Vishnu).

I’ll definitely share more about being a working mama on MIS in the coming months/years, but for now, I’ll leave you with this…

…regardless of whether you’re a working mom, a work from home mom, or a stay at home mom, you’re doing great.  You’re also a lot stronger than you think.  Motherhood is certainly not easy (physically, mentally, and emotionally), but it’s one heck of a love-filled, all consuming, amazing experience, and our tiny humans freaking adore us regardless of the labels we use to describe ourselves.