As you can probably imagine, there were all kinds of conversations going on this past weekend. With most of us never having met before, we were excited to get to know each other. It was pretty awesome because there was a high level of comfort present from the beginning.
With that being said, there was one topic that surprisingly came up quite a few times – body confidence.
The conversation initially started because we were so complimentary with each other – clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, you name it. I didn’t think too much of this, and it was actually nice to laugh and share hair and makeup tricks and tips. However, the compliments were then directed to each girls’ physical appearance. At first, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. However, I started sensing that the follow-up to each of the compliments was a silent, “I’d love to have your _____.” This made me stop and think because even I engaged in that kind of thinking.
As we were walking around the city, one of the girls and I started talking about our past (and sometimes present) body confidence issues. She shared her story, and I shared mine. I told her that as we were getting ready earlier, I noticed her long, lean arms and was a little jealous. With a surprised look on her face, she told me that she was thinking the same thing about me and one of the other girls. It was almost like what we saw in the mirror was not the same as what others saw when they looked at us. For example, when I heard my new friend tell me that she was envious of my petite frame, I couldn’t believe my ears. In fact, I kept saying things like “no way” and “you just don’t know.”
Part two of the body confidence conversation occurred with a larger group of us the next morning. As I was getting dressed, a couple of girls commented on my small, petite frame and how lucky I was. To most, their comments would’ve been extremely flattering. I, however, stopped what I was doing, turned around to look at them (two tall, beautiful women by the way), and told them to stop it. Instead of being happy about what was being said, I was frustrated because by lifting one another up, we were putting ourselves down, and I was guilty of this as well. My conversation from the previous day kept coming back to me, and I realized how destructive both behaviors actually were. Complimenting others shouldn’t run parallel to not loving yourself, and accepting compliments shouldn’t run parallel to disbelief and self-doubt.
If I recall correctly, my exact statement to the group of girls was, “We are all beautiful – tall, short, curvy, flat, thin, thick. We have to love and accept ourselves. True beauty is a part of who you are, what you exude.”
Luckily, another girl agreed with me. She said that she thinks she’s sexy, therefore she is sexy. She doesn’t need anyone else to reaffirm her thoughts, although compliments are always nice!. She mentioned that negative thoughts and comparisons cross her mind from time to time, but she knows she’s an intelligent, competent, beautiful woman. She acknowledges that everyone’s bodies are different, and this fact should be celebrated. Her mindset is all about what she has, not what others have that she doesn’t.
Needless to say, her statements made us all stop and think. We asked her where her strong self-confidence and appreciation for her body comes from. We wanted her to divulge her secrets.
Well, it just so happens that this one isn’t a secret at all. Positive body confidence comes from within. YOU have to appreciate what you have. YOU have to make an effort not to engage in negative self-talk. YOU have to elevate others while not putting yourself down. YOU have to stop purposely looking for your so called flaws. YOU have to believe in yourself. YOU have to exude that confidence, baby, because it’s there, you just have to find it!
So while I can’t personally say that I am now 100% confident with my body, I can say that these conversations remind me to not be so hard on myself, to love myself, and to appreciate and be kind to the body I’ve been give.
Oh and they also remind me that I love girl talk!
When you hang out with your girlfriends, do you ever talk about body image and confidence?
LOVE this post- I was actually thinking about this the other day and plan to post about it soon! While I am guilty of the occasional negative self-talk, I am trying to own all my flaws & body parts which I’m proud about! It’s funny but the older (and apparently wiser), I get, the more appreciative I am about compliments regarding my personality/skills as opposed to figure or physical traits! And to be honest, I think our generation has become a bit programmed to instantly compliment each other’s looks regardless of how much she means it!
I too try to focus on personality more now versus when I was younger. I think I’m finally understanding that looks are only a small part of the what makes someone beautiful equation. 🙂
great post! body confidence is something SO many girls struggle with….myself included. but you can get better at it with some practice! that’s what i’m working on.
Thanks!! And practice makes perfect!
I feel like we joke here and there about our bodies, but most of the conversation tends to be about exercise or our workouts that day. Which I think is better because we get each other’s opinions/advice on things. I like to talk about fitness and am a bit of a nerd about it. 🙂
I think the conversation always always always comes back to food with my close group of friends. 🙂
It’s crazy what we put ourselves through psychologically. As confident as we might be, we can’t help but compare ourselves constantly, its terrible, but just how it is! And it’s true how they say girls dress for each other more than they dress for guys!
It’s something I try to stop myself from doing also. I love complimenting other girls on things I notice and love, but I try to make my mind stop before jealousy or comparisons on things I can’t control (long legs, whatever) kick in! And like you said, they are probably doing it back to me without me even realizing that I also have some good qualities! We gotta focus on the good and stay confident!
It’s nuts what we do to ourselves sometimes. And you’re 100% right, I think girls dress more for other girls than guys. This must stop!
The great thing about my friends is that they are the least obsessed about how they look. Of course they look fantastic and always have so maybe that’s why? But luckily we never address stuff like image and weight – it just never comes up. I love that.
My regular group of girlfriends don’t really talk about body confidence all that much, but because this was a new group, I think it came up more than usual. With my college friends, food or old memories usually dominate the conversation. 🙂
GREAT post! Thanks for the honesty. 🙂 It is SO hard not to compare, and, to be honest, I still don’t see the skinny girl that I am in the mirror, because for so much of my life I WASN’T “the thinnest” in the room…far from it. However, I see other women’s more voluptuous bodies and think, “Man, why didn’t I ever think those curves were beautiful? On ME?”
Not sure if this makes any sense…but basically I think we all have screwed up images of ourselves. 😉
Thanks, Sarah! I’m in the same boat as you. I was the chubby girl most of my life and I think, in my own eyes, I’ll always be that girl. But I’m working on changing that as much as I can!
All the time! Especially when I was at uni, I was in a group of girls that were OBSESSED with their weight and appearance. These girls had nothing to worry about, but just being with them led me to always be self-critical of myself – I am naturally quite curvy (think big ass and boobs), and they weren’t, so when they said things like “man I have a fat ass”, I’d be thinking “WTF – if you think YOUR ass is fat, then mine must be off th charts!”
Luckily, not being friends with them anymore and just learning to appreciate my body for not how it looks but it does for me has slowly changed my mindset. There are definitely days when I wish my ass wasn’t so big or that I had toned arms, or that I look huge, but I try and shake myself out of it. After all – if we can’t love ourselves, then how we can expect others to do the same?
I think we all have those days but I guess it’s what makes us human (?). And you’re right, we have to love ourselves – you can’t live a happy, fulfilling life without that kindness and appreciation for yourself.
Beautiful post, Parita! I think we’re all guilty of this at some point. The biggest challenge for me is learning how to say thank you to a compliment without following it up with yeah, BUT…
Now go out there and rock your beautiful petite frame! 🙂
Thanks so much, Brittany! I’m really bad about not stopping at “thank you” too…gotta work on that!
Yes, at times. There are some friends who are more self-conscious than others when it comes to body and confidence. I have accepted my body type… I have big boobs that I tried to hide for the longest time, and I’m slim-curvy and I always wanted to be skinny.. but now I have accepted my body and just workout and eat better so I can look and feel my best. And that’s really all anyone can do – is worship your body by taking care of the body you are given.
You go girl! I LOVE that confidence!
I seriously LOVE this post! i was literally nodding my head while reading it. 🙂
Thanks, Stef! I was hoping people could relate in even a tiny way. 🙂
Love this post! I think many can absolutely relate to negative self-talk. I know my flaws, and if there’s a room for improvement, I try not to beat myself about it. Rather, do something about it 🙂
I had a friend who has a bad habit — she always points the flaws of others. We are not friends now. I just can’t keep people with so much negativity around me. No one is perfect, but she never understood this. It’s her lost 🙂
I’m so glad you removed yourself from that negative environment. We don’t realize how harmful it is until we make a change.