Marriage Archives - My Inner Shakti

The Realization That’s Made My Marriage Stronger

I posted a fun throwback picture on Instagram of me and Vishnu at a wedding we attended in LA back in May 2018. I hesitate when positing these kinds of pics because I feel like they can be misleading sometimes. First of all, we don’t always look like that. In fact, I don’t like that 99% of the time. Second of all, I feel like these kinds of pictures unintentionally portray a ‘perfect’ marriage. And I don’t believe in perfect anything!

My mission [in life] is to be as real and authentic as I can and help others do the same! So with that being said, let me tell you about where Vishnu and I were late last year and how we got to where we are now (a MUCH better/stronger place).

I’ve been pretty vocal about how the first 12 months of motherhood were hard for me. I just wasn’t myself, and everything overwhelmed me. While I think I was better after K turned one, I honestly think the biggest turning point came for me at the beginning of this year…with regards to most aspects of my life, including my marriage.

In October last year, Vishnu and I realized we were on two very different pages about almost everything. We just weren’t connecting the way we usually did. It probably wasn’t as dramatic as I’m making it out to be, but I can tell you this, something needed to change and we both knew it.

After some open and courageous conversations (and tears on my part!), as well as a lot of individual self-reflection, we made progress. Slowly but surely. We also came to the understanding that we’re different now as parents. We have this super important priority named Kaiden who inevitably changed our dynamic and will continue to do so as he gets older. But instead of looking at it as a bad thing, we are now choosing to really listen, ask the right questions, and be more forthcoming. At the end of the day, our marriage will shape Kaiden’s views about relationships for the rest of his life!

Additionally, something Vishnu said to me during this time really put things in perspective. He said, “I love you more than anything in this world, so you have to believe me when I tell you that nothing I say or do is meant to hurt you. I know it can and will hurt you, but that’s never my intention.” This realization changed everything for me, including how I respond in different situations. Now (for the most part), I come at it from a “let me try to understand first” perspective versus a “oh hell nawwwww” one! When I changed how I responded to him, Vishnu changed too. It’s incredible!

It’s funny to me how ultimately everything comes down to communication. If you don’t talk about it, you’ll definitely shout about it! <- (I hope that made you giggle just a little!)

And before I let you get on with your Friday, remember this…perfection doesn’t exist. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has their shit. That’s life. Don’t let the internet or what people portray fool you.

With that, happy weekend!

Post-Baby Couple’s Bucket List

written by Parita 8 Comments

I always tell Vishnu the hardest thing about entering parenthood was and continues to be prioritizing our relationship. I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. But all good things in life are worth working hard for so there is that!

Pre-baby Vishnu and Par made time to cook dinner together, watch movies, explore the neighborhood, grab a bite to eat, meet up with friends, go out for a drink, etc. Post-baby Vishnu and Par have all the right intentions, but their execution is a little off. Ha!

Pre-baby us!

I had great post-baby pictures of both me and Vishnu passed out from sheer exhaustion, but they’re no longer on my phone. Darn!

The reason I’m even sharing this is because I don’t think we’re alone. Once you become a parent, you realize there are certain things no one talks about, including how much harder you have to work on your relationship. I’m sure there are some people who will claim everything is better now that baby’s here, and I’ll admit some things did get better. I 110% love Vishnu more now because of the amazing father (and husband) he is. But that doesn’t mean everything is great. We work really hard to ensure our strengths as a couple only get stronger, but we work even harder to address our weaknesses and areas of opportunity. We don’t always get it right, but we always try.

I wholeheartedly believe happy mama = happy baby. But now, I equally believe happy parents = happy baby. It’s really important to me and Vishnu that we model a healthy relationship for Kaiden. And healthy by no means equals perfect. A healthy relationship is one that above all else embodies respect, communication, trust, honesty, and love. It’s also one where the parents aren’t afraid to put themselves first every now and then.

With that being said, a month or so ago, we sat down to talk about how to keep our relationship fresh and still feel like us. Vishnu came up with the brilliant idea of creating a 2018 bucket list of all the things we want to do together. So we took the next day to brainstorm separately, and then we came back together to share our ideas and narrow them down to our 10 favorites.

Post-Baby Couple’s Bucket List

Wine and cheese night once a month
Book club for 2 (we’re starting Dark Places in a few days!)
Weekend getaway (close by)
When we sit down to watch ‘our’ shows, no technology allowed and we have to hold hands
Try one new restaurant every month (with or without baby)
Go out to the movies a few times a year (keeping the bar low I guess!)
Make a new-to-us recipe together once a month
Run a race together
Administer a no technology policy one day a month
Take rock climbing classes
Go on a family picnic a few times in the spring/summer
Go bowling a few times a year
Make it a mission to go to one of every type of Chicago sports game – football, hockey, baseball, basketball
Go to a concert (just one!)
Attend a local event (at a museum for example)
Take golf lessons (this was all V!)
Go to a BYOB painting event

New and/or seasoned parents – do you feel like you had/have to work harder on your relationship now that babies/kids are in the picture?

A Pair of Onitsuka Tigers Made Me Cry

written by Parita 6 Comments

Let me start by saying that those who know me best will likely not be surprised by this story. It’s very Parita.

So Vishnu is a huge fan of the Asics Onitsuka Tiger line of shoes. He has at least five different pairs. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a street sneak that comes in lots of different colors and style variations.

Up until this past year, I’ve never really been interested in owning a pair of Onitsuka Tigers. Vishnu even bought me a pair he found on sale, and while I loved his thoughtfulness, the style just wasn’t my favorite. They’re now my errand shoes. 🙂

With that being said, after searching high and low for my perfect casual sneaker, I found the PERFECT pair of Tigers. These bad boys checked every box. Neutral color scheme, not too bulky/wide, and decent price point.

You’d think I’d just hit the purchase button, but for some reason, I couldn’t. The thought of buying these shoes made me feel guilty. I have no explanation because I bought plenty of other things at higher price points so it wasn’t about the money.

Anyways, by the time I was ready to make these my own, every website was out of my size – Asics, Amazon, Zappos, you name it. Vishnu told me he would keep an eye out and hit that purchase button as soon as he could.

And then…we had a baby and life got busy. New shoes were no longer a priority.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. Vishnu, Kaiden, and I went to brunch, and on our way back, I took a little detour to Michigan Ave to run a few errands while the boys headed home. When I walked into the apartment, Vishnu asked me what size my first pair of Tigers are. I told him, and he responded by telling me to check and make sure. I opened our shoe closet, found the shoes, checked the size, and told him again. I could tell he was trying to get to something but couldn’t figure out what. When he realized I wasn’t getting it, he got up, walked over to me, reached into the closet, and pulled out a brand new pair of Tigers…the very ones I’d been eyeing for months!!!

What did I do?

Welllll…I burst into tears. You guys, I had HUGE tears running down my face for at least 3-5 minutes. It was a little ridiculous!

Vishnu, knowing full well this was a very Parita reaction, was still a bit surprised. So he did two very Vishnu like things. He hugged me and laughed. While I cried and asked why he’s so nice to me.

I chalk all of this up to Vishnu’s thoughtfulness and…the last bit of pregnancy hormones that have yet to leave my body. Ha!

But seriously, how cute is my hubby? And how dramatic am I?

Also, if you can find your size, get these shoes because they’re awesome. Also, we can be shoe twins! 🙂

5 Years of Love, Laughter, and Driving Each Other a Little Crazy

written by Parita 2 Comments

Today is mine and Vishnu’s wedding anniversary! 5 years of love, laughter, and driving each other a little crazy. And I wouldn’t change any of it for the world!

On our wedding day, I remember thinking, “This is the BEST day of my life. I’m marrying my best friend.” And while it was an amazing day and so special in so many ways, I now know how wrong I was. It wasn’t the best day of my life.

Every day since, no matter how hard or crazy, has been the best. Waking up next to him is the best. Eating with him is the best. Watching TV with him is the best. Running errands with him is the best. Cooking with him is the best. Yes, even arguing with him is…ok so not the best, but there’s no one else I’d rather bicker with! Basically, doing life with him is the BEST.

And soon enough navigating parenthood with him will be the best!

Love you, boo! Here’s to the past 5 years and the lifetime ahead of us!

The start of the rest of our lives!

Honeymooning!

Year 1 in the books!

Babymooning!

[Insert year 5 picture]

Year 5 in the books!

Why Do You Love Me?

written by Parita 2 Comments

As you guys know, I’m obsessed with This is Us. Tuesdays bring a sense of pure happiness (because I love the show so much) and a sense of dread (because I know the tears will be flowing). The past few weeks were no different, as I sobbed my way through most every episode. Such a human show!

The season finale aired this past week, and while it didn’t induce as many tears, the last five minutes were as equally heartbreaking as they were heartwarming. No worries, I’m not going to give anything away!

Two of the main characters get into a heated argument and one asks the other, “Why do you love me?” At first, there is no response, but then the next morning, this particular character blows us away, as he always does, with his answer. That’s when my tears start!

After the episode ended, I looked at Vishnu and asked, “Why do you love me?” Without an ounce of hesitation, he said, “I love you because you make me feel more like me than anyone I’ve ever known.”

[Cue more tears!]

My husband is the sweetest man ever (when he wants to be!), and with that answer, I’m pretty sure he could be on the This is Us writing staff!

Happy Friday, all! And when you say I love you to the special people in your life, be sure to tell them why. It’ll make their day!

Weekly Marriage Meeting

written by Parita Leave a Comment

I’d like to think that after over four years of marriage Vishnu and I are pretty good communicators and generally know what we each need to do to keep our household running. But then out of nowhere, a great idea presents itself.

When my sister and her husband came over for dinner the other night, they talked about their weekly marriage meeting. This is something they recently implemented to stay on the same page every week. With two incredibly demanding schedules, it’s easy to focus on work and put your marriage and essential tasks on the back burner. Especially as newlyweds.

What’s a weekly marriage meeting you ask? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a 30 ish minute weekly meeting where you come together as a couple and do some or all of the following…

Give a general update on your weekly happenings
Share something your partner did that you really appreciated
Review the previous week’s goals
Set a few key goals for the coming week
Discuss financials and anything related to your family budget
Meal plan together

Personally, this is right up my alley. I love setting (and achieving) goals, meal planning, etc.

Even if you’re nothing like me, hear me out. Relationships are hard work and require special attention. I think that’s something we can all agree on. I also think we can agree on the fact that it’s easy to take your significant other for granted every now and again. It’s not intentional of course, but when you see each other everyday, it’s easy to make everything but your love a priority. These meetings help avoid that!

If you’re still not convinced, how about this – your relationship is like your job. It requires you to set goals, check in regularly, acknowledge what’s working well, provide constructive feedback, etc. A good friend said this to me once, and it really stuck. I would never let my responsibilities at work to fall to the wayside, so why would I do that to my most precious relationship. Am I right or am I right?!

Anyways, now that you’re convinced that you and your significant other need to hold weekly meetings, here are a few ground rules to ensure your meetings are productive.

Schedule your meetings so that everything else revolves around them. And don’t cancel!
Put your phone and anything else that could prove to be a distraction away.
Sit together. Side-by-side. It’s more intimate!
Always keep an open mind and frame everything in a positive way. This is not the time to bring your grievances to the table. Schedule a separate meeting for that!

In all honestly, Vishnu and I did a lite version of this for a couple of weeks (and actually enjoyed it). We didn’t follow rule #1 so that’s probably why the concept didn’t stick. But with a new year upon us in a few short weeks, I’m ready to bring weekly marriage meetings back. Wish us luck!

Do you and your significant other do something similar? What are you tips and tricks for staying on the same page when life gets in the way?

Year One of Radiology Residency – It’s All About Your Mindset

written by Parita 12 Comments

We’re four months in to year two of residency, and dare I say, it’s been so easy. Well, it’s been easy for me. Vishnu would likely disagree!

The main caveat to consider is Vishnu started year one (year two overall) of Radiology residency. Radiology, while intense in terms of the learning curve, is more lifestyle friendly than other fields like internal medicine, surgery, etc. That’s not to say he won’t ever be on call or have to do nights. That’s all coming soon (unfortunately), but the first few months resemble a 7-5 type schedule. This is not typical in medicine!

With that being said, we’re really trying to enjoy our time together, especially the weekday time. Once weekend call and nights start, things will be a bit different. And beyond that, year two and three (of Radiology) are supposedly pretty tough schedule wise (still not that bad comparatively). But let’s not go there yet!

When my friend Sweeti was here this past weekend, we talked about medical relationships and how hard they can be sometimes. Sweeti is a physician and her husband is currently finishing up fellowship (last year of the journey). Because her husband is always at the hospital and she’s currently taking some time off before she starts work in January, she’s going through what I experienced last year. She said she often wonders about how I got through the first few years (med school and intern year). I was flattered to hear this, even though I haven’t always handled everything so well. Regardless, this got me thinking about how I managed and continue to stay [somewhat] positive through residency, especially with the constant schedule changes and moving (although no more moving for the next four years!).

I wanted to write about my conversation with Sweeti because I think it applies to any and every situation life presents us with.

It’s all about your mindset. Period.

If you let your mind dwell on the negative aspects of what you’re facing, that’s all you will ever see. If you choose to put a positive spin on things, and focus on the silver linings (even if they aren’t part of your ideal state), your situation won’t appear as gray. Such a simple and easy to understand concept, yet it’s so hard to put into practice. But really, what’s the alternative? I mean, don’t get me wrong. Go low if you need to. Just don’t stay there. Find your way back to the top and look for the little rays of sunshine. They’re there. I promise!

Even though we’ve moved a million times in the past few years. Even though Vishnu spent our first year of marriage locked up in the guest room studying. Even though we often have to attend important events solo. Even though I hate going to bed alone (it scares me!).

It’s all worth it when I hear Vishnu talk about what he’s doing at work. It’s all worth it when I think about the future we’re building for ourselves…slowly but surely. It’s all worth it because we make the most of the time we do spend together.

Whenever I think about this whole mindset thing, I’m reminded of this quote. So powerful, so true, so profound!

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny. — Chinese proverb, author unknown

So guys, choose the best thoughts possible! Even when it’s hard. You and your destiny are better off for it!