My Inner Shakti

finding strength in everyday things

Starting a Family in Your 30s

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I want to start this post by saying one thing.  There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to starting a family.  These are purely my thoughts, as my husband and I did choose to start in our 30s.

Ok, first things first.  I didn’t always want to start in my 30s.  In fact, I had a very detailed plan when I was 17 that was all about how I would be done having babies by the time I was 30.  HA!

But then I met Vishnu, went to grad school, started a job that had me moving around the country for two years, got married, and supported my husband on his medical school and residency (and soon-to-be fellowship) journey.  In all fairness, there was no way we could’ve juggled a kid with all that we had going on for the first 4-5 years of our marriage. 

I like to think that while I once wanted kids in my 20s, Kaiden came to us at the perfect time.  I was 33 when I had K, and Vishnu was 32. 

And when I say right time, I don’t just mean age.  I mean financially, I mean in terms of my career and Vishnu’s, I mean in terms of who we are as people now vs. in our 20s, etc.

With that being said, I do think there are some benefits to starting earlier if you want and your situation allows it.  You have more energy in your 20s (and trust me kids require lots of energy).  You also have time if there are complications in getting pregnant.  There are probably more pros for this that I’m not thinking of.

But personally, since we started in our 30s, I can look back and be comforted by the fact that (FOR US!) it’s a good thing we had K when we did.  I’m so much more patient now than I was a decade ago.  I also have more control over my career and am making more money than I was in my 20s (which is helpful because daycare costs in Chicago are astronomical!).  I also feel like with Vishnu’s career being more final in a way (with med school being over and done with), it’s one thing we don’t have to think about too much.  This helps us keep the focus on K versus other career-related worries.  Vishnu and I are also much more grounded in our relationship now than ever before.  And I didn’t know it until we had Kaiden, but this is so important when you have kids. 

And not that it matters what everyone else is doing, but the majority of my friends started their families in their 30s.  Some sooner, some later, but because they put their educations and careers first, it just worked out this way.  It’s kind of cool because now our kids are all around the same age.  In fact, four of my close girlfriends and I had kids with 6-8 months of each other. 

I should also share that I have a lot of friends whose siblings had kids into their early 40s.  I know this isn’t possible for everyone, but if you’re not quite there yet with the whole idea of having kids, if you’re still trying, if you’re having trouble, please know that not all is lost at 35 like some people like to remind you. 

I know this is sort of a rambling post, but I wanted to share because I think it’s important to talk about these kinds of things.  It’s easy to think that you’re the only one experiencing something or the only one who doesn’t have everything figured out, but trust me, you’re not! 

The decision to have kids is a HUGE one (at any age!), and while it’s true that no time is the perfect time, I think it’s totally ok to start when you and your partner feel ready. 

Stepping off my soap box!  Have a great day.

P.S. Trust me, I know that some people want to start in their 20s, but because of complications and infertility aren’t able to. My heart goes out to those people, and please know I’m not in any way downplaying that. Again, just sharing my experiences with the hope that by doing so I’m helping someone.

10 True Things About the Second Year of Motherhood

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The second year of mother is quite different than year 1. For one, you have a mobile baby who can get from point A to point B in literally 5 seconds flat. If that’s not enough of a game changer, now you’re baby eats real food way more regularly, starts talking up a storm, and is also developing emotionally. I think they call the output of that tantrums… 🙂

Anyways, personally, I found the second year of motherhood a tad bit easier than year 1. This had less to do with K than it had to do with me and the kind of person I am.

Regardless, there are some (universal…at least to me) truths about the second year of motherhood I wanted to share.

In no particular order…

  • As your baby grows, so does your love.  You’ll never know exactly how, but day by day, you’ll love this little person more than you ever thought possible.
  • You’re not as uncertain as you were during year 1, but that ‘what am I doing?’ feeling still lingers.
  • When you look back, you’ll be shocked by how fast year 2 goes.
  • You realize you’ll never completely feel like your old self and that’s ok.  When you had your baby, a new you emerged, and she’s cooler than pre-baby you!  At least that’s what I tell myself.
  • Sleep, or good consistent sleep, may still elude you.  Those regressions are something!  Also, I still wake up a few times a night because I think I hear Kaiden crying. 
  • Hearing your kid’s voice on the daily, actually saying words, never gets old!
  • You will have lots and lots of days where the countdown to bedtime starts at 10 am.
  • You’ll learn to pick your battles a lot sooner and quicker.  Otherwise, everything will turn into a battle!
  • As much as you try, mom guilt won’t totally escape you. It may look a little different from year 1, and if you’re lucky, it’ll be a bit more infrequent, but it’s still there.  And that’s ok. The way I look at it, mom guilt just means you care! 
  • You get so many unsolicited kisses and hugs.  They are undoubtedly the best things ever!

It’ll be an interesting transition from 2 to 3. I hear it’s just as intense, if not more, because they learn how to negotiate. We shall see!

What’s in a [Middle] Name?

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I’ve shared how hard it was for me and Vishnu to agree on a boy name. I had a 5 year old spreadsheet with about 10 names that I liked, and my husband vetoed every single one of them. And then he had the audacity to suggest the name Sawyer. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with the name Sawyer, but Vishnu knew I would never agree. Crazy man!

Anyways, I digress. Once we agreed on the name Kaiden, I brought up the whole middle name thing. For some reason, Vishnu was okay with me selecting it, so we went with Shiv. I’ll explain more about why in a minute, but let me back up and explain how this whole middle name thing works for us.

In Gujarati tradition, when you get married, you take on your husband’s name for your middle name. All of your kids are also given your husband’s name as their middle names. So for example, my mom, sister and I all had my dad’s name as our middle name.

And on the other end of the spectrum, Vishnu doesn’t have a middle name. The whole name thing works a little differently for South Indians. I don’t want to misrepresent it, so I won’t go into details. Vishnu’s family isn’t very traditional in this sense, so it’s not all that complicated. But no middle name for him.

When we got married, I decided to make my maiden name my middle name, dropping my dad’s name. My sister kept her full birth name and tagged on her husband’s last name. To each her own!

When it came time to decide on Kaiden’s middle name, I picked Shiv because it’s the name of a Hindu god, and for some reason, that was important to me. Also, with Kaiden being a modern/non-Indian name and our last name being very long and traditional, I wanted something simple with an Indian feel. I also love the flow to his whole name when said together – it just works!

Even though I didn’t get my top boy name pick (or my 10th!), I’m glad Vishnu let me select K’s middle name. Otherwise, we would’ve ended up with Sawyer for sure!

Your turn – does your culture or family follow a certain naming convention? Is there a story behind your name – first or middle?

7 Surprising Things About Being a Boy Mom

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I previously shared that leading up to our gender reveal I was very certain we were having a girl. In fact, I pretty much had Vishnu convinced and excited about that possibility. I was kind of shocked when we cut into those cupcakes and saw blue icing. BOY MOM! My gut instinct was wrong!

I think a huge part of me was nervous about having a boy. I even asked Vishnu later that night, “Do you think I’ll know how to be a good mom to a boy?” Thankfully, he didn’t laugh at me because I was legit concerned!

The minute I saw Kaiden’s face for the first time, every fear I had about being a boy mom dissipated. I just knew this little boy was given to me for a reason. I was meant to be HIS mom!

With that being said, there were and continue to be a few things that surprise me about being a so-called boy mom. I’m sure there are more surprises to come, but here are 7 that never crossed my mind before Kaiden came into our world…

ONE – I knew our bond would be strong, but I never thought it would be this strong. Kaiden is a mama’s boy all the way, but it’s more than that. I feel like I truly get him, and in some ways, he gets me at a much deeper level. Annnnnd other times we’re at odds over what I’m serving for dinner…haha!

TWO – Boy names are hard to come up with. I’ve had a girl name (that Vishnu also likes) picked out for ages. But after we found out we were having a boy, we essentially spent my entire pregnancy going back and forth with names. Vishnu basically vetoed every name on my list, so it was back to the drawing board many, many times. Thank goodness Kaiden came to me when it did!

THREE– Flying pee is a thing. I read about this before going into labor, and what they say is true. A little baby boy’s anatomy lends itself to some crazy pee antics. Pretty much everyone who’s changed K’s diaper in those early days has been a victim to that flying stream. To this day, I’m super cautious during diaper changes because you never know!

FOUR – Boy energy is…A LOT! If we let him, Kaiden can go from whenever he wakes up (the 5 o’clock hour) to bedtime (7:30ish). He never stops moving! When we try to cuddle with him or keep in him in one place for too long, he thinks it’s a game and gets even more revved up! Crazy boy!

FIVE – Clothes shopping for a boy is the easiest thing ever. Tops and bottoms and shoes – that’s all you have to think about. 90% of K’s clothes are from Target, and because he’s in daycare M-F, I don’t get super nice things because they are covered in food by the end of the day.

SIX – There’s no need for expensive toys. At least not for K because he loves playing with my old containers and balls. He’s happiest with Vishnu’s old soccer ball, my Barre3 ball, and a $4 Target bouncy ball I bought a year ago. The more ‘expensive’ toys we own are stored away in his storage lockers. They get air time when we bring them out, and even then, the balls soon take over! I’m sure the era of expensive toys is coming soon, but I truly hope to instill a love for simple things in Kaiden…we shall see!

SEVEN – I LOVE being a boy mom. For someone who was super nervous a little over 21 months ago, I settled into this role much more smoothly than I thought I would. I love all the roughhousing, the sweet mama and Kaiden cuddles, the crazy amount of energy, ALL the ball playing, etc. SO MUCH FUN! Like I said, I wouldn’t change a single thing! Kaiden was meant to be ours!

Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you’re a girl mom or a boy mom. The love is just as strong. And that’s all that matters! 🙂

But I am keeping it real with the flying pee…that’s totally a thing!

The Great Pacifier Disappearance + a Positive Unintended Consequence

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If you follow me on Instagram, you know that we FINALLY got rid of Kaiden’s pacifiers.  What I thought would be this long drawn our process ended up being something we did in a day, and just like Vishnu said, K adjusted just fine!

You might be thinking, “How hard can this be?  Just stop giving your kid a pacifier.” 

Well, on one hand, you’re absolutely right.  It should be that simple.  Except in our kid’s case.  He was obsessed with those things.  To illustrate my point, imagine this.  Kaiden needed 3 pacis at all times.  One for his mouth and one in each hand.  If the one from his hand slipped through the rails of his crib and fell out, he would wake up screaming.  Never mind the fact that the one in his mouth was still there.  Oh man!  It got to the point where Vishnu and I had to put together a plan and set a date.  And then Vishnu aborted the mission and just took the pacis away while I was at a Soul Cycle class.  I came home and was a little upset with him because no paci equaled no nap that day.

BUT, to my husband’s credit, everything worked out just fine.  That night, while Vishnu was giving K a bath, I literally threw away every pacifier I could find (fingers crossed I found them all!).  When it was time for Kaiden to go to sleep, we walked around the kitchen and showed him they were gone and gave him his Curious George doll to hold instead.  Because he was so exhausted, he fell asleep right away.  He slept through the night but woke up at 4:30 am.  A similar pattern occurred the rest of the week.  He would go to sleep just fine but wake up between 4-5 am.  I. Was. So. Tired.

He’s still waking up in the 5 o’clock hour, but we’re trying a few things to push that back a bit.  We’ll see if we’re successful.  If not, I’m just going to chalk it up to the fact that Kaiden, unfortunately, got my early bird genes!

One note – while we went with the cold turkey approach, a lot of parents end up cutting the tip of the pacifier little by little until it becomes useless OR they poke holes in the tip until it stops doing its job.  We went with cold turkey because of the whole paci in each hand thing.  And Kaiden really is an out of sight out of mind kind of boy. 

As far as the unintended consequence from this whole thing goes, I think getting rid of his pacifiers has made him a tiny bit more independent and less needy.  Instead of asking me to hold him all day, he actually plays on his own and entertains himself 10x better than he did before.  I have no idea if these things are related, but both Vishnu and I feel that the pacifiers enabled more whiny behaviors.  Now that he can’t attach those things to his mouth all day long, he’s breaking other attachments too.  But don’t worry, I still force my kisses on him!

If you’re at a point where you feel like the pacis need to go, just go for it!  It might be painful for up to a week, but kids adjust so quickly.  I was telling Vishnu how I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that we just did it.  He told me to thank him!  HA!

Let’s Talk about Evening Routines

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Routine is key in our household. If we stray a little too far to the right or left, everyone feels it! But in all seriousness, after having Kaiden, I’ve become a full fledged believer in the power of routines for children. They thrive when they know what’s coming. I’m not saying a little spontaneity shouldn’t be added to the mix every now and then, but I do think having a pretty predictable evening routine whenever possible sets the foundation for good sleep. Welllll….maybe, maybe not. We’re still working on that sleep thing!

Anyways, I thought I’d share our evening routine, not because it’s perfect or the way everyone should do things, but because I’ve gotten a few requests to share things like this more. I’ll admit that I also love reading about the behind the scenes of people’s lives. It’s the little nosy person in all of us coming out!

So here’s a breakdown of our weekday evenings from start to finish…

4:30 pm – Vishnu or I pick up Kaiden at daycare. If Vishnu goes, I use that time to clean up around the house, fold laundry, and/or start dinner prep.

5:00 pm – We arrive home, drink some milk (Kaiden), and start to pull out all our toys (also Kaiden).

5:30 pm – I begin/continue prepping dinner. If Vishnu’s not home, this is a hit or miss for me because when K doesn’t have my full attention he basically attaches himself to my leg. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to pay attention to him and get stuff done. Work in progress!

Anyways, the main entree is usually done for the most part, so this is mainly roasting/chopping veggies. After I’m doing that, we continue playing some more until dinner time.

6:15 pm – Time to eat! I’ll be honest, dinnertime still gives me some anxiety. It’s hit or miss in terms of how much he eats. But I’m trying to trust the process in that K will eat however much K needs to eat. I do find a lot of relief in the fact that he eats a lot at daycare. So he’s definitely not starving!

6:45 pm – Bath time! This is one of my favorite parts of our evening routine. Kaiden loves the water and splashing around, so it’s a great time to let loose and have a little fun.

7:00 pm – Kaiden is usually in his PJs ready for story time. We turn off all the lights and settle in on the couch to read at least 10 books (some all the way through, but most only partially because K gets bored!).

Right before we sit down, I also quickly set up his room for bedtime – humidifier on, air purifier on, lavender oil dabbed all over his crib, etc.

7:25 pm – Time to brush K’s teeth! He doesn’t love this but he tolerates it because he likes the toothpaste. Ha!

7:30 pm – Kaiden’s down for the night. 9/10 this is a pretty easy process. I put lotion on K’s face and some Badger Balm on his nose and neck. Then I hold him in rocking position, sing “You are My Sunshine” a couple of times, ask him if he wants to be put down (he nods yes) and that’s that! Very rarely he’ll put up a fight which requires more rocking, shushing, etc.

8:00 pm – Vishnu’s usually home by this time (he’s been staying at work to study until about 7:30 most weeknights). The kitchen is clean and everything else is usually in order (i.e. K’s toys!). We sit down to catch up, do work, watch TV, etc.

9:30 pm – I brush my teeth, go through my skincare routine, and get into bed to read for 15 minutes.

10:00 pm – Lights out…time to SLEEEEEEEPPPPPP!

So tell me, what’s your favorite part of your evening routine?

Toddler Sleep (16-20 months)

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Toddler sleep. What a loaded topic!

Before we get to the 16-20 month stage, let me share a little bit about Kaiden’s sleep habits over the past 20 months. Like all babies, he obviously didn’t sleep through the night until about 10 weeks which is when we started using the Baby Merlin Magic Sleep Suit. And then we hit the dreaded 4 month sleep regression. And it was rough…to say the least! At some point, we decided we couldn’t take it anymore and sleep trained K (we used the cry it out method). It worked until I went to Atlanta for Christmas and everything blew up in my face. That was a rough trip! We decided to sleep train him again at almost eight months, and luckily, it only took a couple of nights before he was sleeping through the night again. By no means was he sleeping 7p-7a, but he’d get a decent 10-10.5 hours every night, and wake ups ranged from 4-5:30a.

Also, this is not to say he never woke up in the middle of the night. He definitely did…

Ok, so let’s fast forward to 16 months when things went wonky again. Kaiden’s teeth came in a little late in the game, so I think a lot of his choppy sleep was due to that. But man, it was rough.

The middle of the night wake ups/very early morning wake ups continued until about 19.5 months. Until Vishnu put his foot down and asked if we could let K cry it out again to see what would happen. I’ll be honest, I didn’t always comply. It breaks my heart to hear him cry out like that. But what I learned from picking him up and trying to comfort him is that once he’s in my arms, I have no out. That’s just the kind of kid he is. Also, he equates middle of the night wake ups with playtime. I don’t. So after a week or so of bringing him into bed with us, I finally complied and let him cry it out both at night and in the morning until 6:00 am. And guess what? It took a couple of days, but he’s sleeping through the night again and waking up closer to 6 and sometimes even 6:30 (GASP!).

None of this was super surprising, as many of my experienced mama friends told me that sleep changes around 18 months. They weren’t kidding! These kiddos go through so many changes during this time. Physically, we think K’s grown a ton height wise (in our eyes!), and he’s truly blossoming in other ways too. It’s no wonder he wanted to get up and party so often!

Ok, so I’m not advocating that parents of toddlers should use the cry it out method. That’s a very personal decision and not one everyone is comfortable with it. What I am saying is that 1. you’re not alone and 2. it doesn’t last forever. You may have to try an intervention or two before you crack the code, but you’ll find a way.

ALSO, I want to share one more thing I’ve been doing that I think helps Kaiden relax before falling and staying asleep. Of course, I have no scientific proof that this contributes to any of the positive changes over the last month or so, and it all may be a coincidence, but I’m not stopping any time soon. Essentially, I put 2-3 small drops of lavender essential oil on a paper towel and rub it all over his crib rails. I also lightly dab it on his crib sheets. Lavender is known to be a soothing scent, and I think it’s working with our little guy. FINGERS CROSSED!

On to the next stage. I’ve heard 24-36 months get interesting with the transition to a toddler bed. Send help…and wine…and coffee!

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