Baby Archives - My Inner Shakti

I See You, New Mama

It’s taken 15 months, but I can now see and admit that I often felt lost and alone those first few (6!) months after giving birth to Kaiden. I had tons of support from family and friends, but I was in my own head a lot. Am I doing ok? Is Kaiden big enough? Is he meeting his milestones? What if something happens to Kaiden? To Vishnu? To me? Simply put, I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly questioning everything.

I now know this is very normal. I mean, think about the before, during, and after of new motherhood. It’s intense…to say the least!

Also since giving birth to K, I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to other news moms to [even slightly] reduce their anxiousness around the journey they’re about to start. It’s hard because every journey, every mom, and every baby is so different. That’s the beauty of it, but nonetheless, I would want my new mama friends to know that I see them.

So this one’s for you, new mamas…

I see you, new mama…walking around like a zombie. Ugh, sleep deprivation! Trust me it will get easier. While you may never sleep as deeply again (you know, the whole heart walking around outside of you thing!), your new family will find its own rhythm. And I know it’s annoying when everyone and their mom says this, but try to sleep when the baby sleeps (at least a few times a week).

I see you, new mama…struggling to feed your baby. Anxious if your baby is getting enough milk if you’re breastfeeding. Anxious about pumping and feeling like a human cow. Anxious about offering formula. I see you, and I want you to know it will be ok. You will figure it out one way or another. And take it from me, fed is best. Formula is not the devil. Do what’s best for you and your baby.

I see you, new mama…struggling to connect with your significant other. Vishnu and I have a pretty strong relationship, but it’s definitely changed a lot since Kaiden was born. Pre-baby, we had all the time we wanted/needed to hang out, talk, and do things to strengthen our connection. Now all of that takes a bit more work and energy. In the early days, we were definitely a good team. But there are no practice sessions when it comes to parenthood. You literally jump into the game and play your heart out for the rest of your life. So with that being said, it took a while to figure out what works for us. When to pass the ball, when to run…you get it! Our playbook changes every now and then, but we’re more agile than before. It takes time, my friend. The one thing I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate. Neither one of you is a mind reader, and this new third wheel may throw things off for a bit. But keep talking and acknowledging each other.

I see you, new mama…worrying about the future. This is probably the #1 thing I struggled with on a day-to-day basis. The unknown future. It’s so scary to think about, especially when the most precious thing in your life is a little human who depends on you completely. But I promise, it will be ok. As I like to say now, the future you doesn’t exist yet, but the present you does, so take care of her so she can take care of her baby. And everything will happen as it should in due course. Don’t give away your present joys for the unknown. Take it from me…it’s not worth it.

I see you, new mama…feeling vulnerable. Not only do you now have a new baby, but you also gained a new body and a new mind/brain. Everything is different now, so I don’t blame you for feeling vulnerable. I did and still do to this day. But again, please cut yourself some slack. You grew a human inside of you for 9+ months. You created a freaking miracle. It will and should take 9+ months to get back to you. A new you, I should say. Even though the feeling of vulnerability won’t just go away, you are a lot stronger than you think you are you. You were meant to be your baby’s mama, and you are just who he/she needs. Don’t forget that!

I see you, new mama…trying to be supermom/wife/everything. PLEASE try your hardest to remove this label off your back. I’m not saying you’re not super, because you are. I want you to take that pressure off because you’re human. You will make mistakes, and you’ll learn from them. You will let people down, and you’ll learn to be ok with that (and so will they). You will need to rest, and you’ll learn to ask for help. But only if you remember that you too, like the rest of your family and friends, are a human being. And if this just doesn’t resonate, remember that your kid needs a happy mama, not a perfect one. It’s absolutely a must to throw away the superXXX label and take care of yourself. I can’t stress this enough.

Above all else, new mama, I hope you know you’ve got this! It won’t be easy, but there’s no one better for the job.

My Thoughts on ‘The Maternal Grandparent Advantage’

written by Parita Leave a Comment

I didn’t know ‘the maternal grandparent advantage’ even existed until I read this article back in April. It makes sense on so many levels. However, a lot depends on your family dynamic, your relationship with your parents and in-laws, their relationship with each other, etc.

Before I share my thoughts, let’s review what this advantage is exactly…

According to the articles I read, the advantage stems from the fact that daughters tend to have a closer relationship with their own parents which leaders to a warmer relationship between the kids and their maternal grandparents. Paternal grandparents, on the other hand, have to tread carefully.

Another element to this is that women are still responsible for ‘kinkeeping.’ This includes planning, calls, visits, sharing news and updates, holidays, etc. The wife is the gatekeeper to not only her own family but her husband’s as well.

Like I said, a lot of variables are at play here.

So here’s what I can relate to…

I do have more frequent contact with my parents, specifically my mom (we talk 1-2x/day). She’s my emotional support, my advice giver, etc. My go-to on a day to day basis essentially! We also have a family chat between my mom, dad, sister and I making it easy to just check-in and say hi.

While I have the best in-laws in the whole world (no bias here!), the bond I have with my parents is just unique and can’t be replicated. For example, my in-laws have treated me like a daughter since before Vishnu and I were married. No daughter-in-law business. That said, I’m still there daughter-in-law, and there’s a level of formality that will always be there versus the comfort I have with my own family.

There’s also this element, I think, of Vishnu’s parents having two boys versus my parents who have two girls. It basically boils down to different expectations and relationship dynamics.

That said, I am also the gatekeeper/kinkeeper in our family. If you know Vishnu at all, this will make total sense! Ha!

So yes, I see how the maternal grandparent advantage exists in some ways.

But here’s what I can’t relate to…

Regardless of your relationship with your in-laws, keeping your kids from them is wrong. The only exception being if they don’t treat them well. The way I see it, Kaiden is as much my parents’ grandson as he is my in-laws, and he should have a strong relationship with everyone.

I know it’s easy for me to say because I myself have a great relationship with Vishnu’s parents, our parents are close, etc. But even if I didn’t, I would find a way to put my feelings aside for Kaiden’s sake. Grandparents are such special people, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from him.

I would love to hear other thoughts on this topic because, like I said, it totally depends on your family dynamic. Leave a comment or email me if you’re more comfortable (myinnershakti@gmail.com).

Energy Management + ‘Not Right Now’

written by Parita 1 Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I manage my energy on a daily basis. Personally, it’s important I have enough fuel in the tank (because we all know it’s not unlimited), so to speak, as my day usually starts at 5 am and ends around 10 pm.

Like so many mamas, I give a bit of my energy to everyone and everything – Kaiden, Vishnu, my extended family, friends, coworkers, work, cooking (and everything that comes with it!), cleaning, laundry, exercise, etc. I’d say about 85% of my energy is spent on these people/things/tasks.

The remaining 15% is reserved for me – blogging/Instagramming, downtime, TV time, journaling, reading, etc.

This isn’t an exact science because I have plenty of days where I feel like I have 0 time for me, but generally speaking, this is what my breakdown looks like.

My breakdown also looks different on the weekdays vs. the weekends, days when Vishnu’s around vs. days when he’s working, etc.

The one thing I realized when thinking about all of this is that I have less control over how I spend my weekday energy, as there are some big things that demand my attention (i.e. work!). And honestly, while I’m bone tired by the end of the day, I thrive with a bit of routine, so I’m happy with how our weekdays run.

The weekends, on the other hand, take a bit more work. There’s so much I want to do, but everything is kind of up in the air depending on Kaiden’s nap schedule (one nap or two, 60 minutes or 90?), Vishnu’s work schedule, our must do commitments, the weather (this impacts everything!), etc.

Over time, I’ve realized I’d like my energy to be more balanced during the weekends. Obviously, Kaiden and Vishnu take up a lot of it (as they should), but I’d like to leave more time for free play and exploration for Kaiden, and I’d love to have some leftover energy for me to do more writing. Things like taking K to the park and the museum are super important to me.

With all of this being said, we recently said ‘not right now’ to K’s swim classes. They were taking way too much of my energy, and to be completely honest, I felt a sense of ‘not this again’ every Friday night and Saturday morning.

For those who haven’t taken a toddler to swim class before, let me tell you – it’s a lot of work. Before, during, and after. And this year, a lot of the work would have fallen on me because of Vishnu’s work/interview/boards studying schedule. While I love taking K on play dates and the museum, swim class left me exhausted and a bit frazzled. By noon every Saturday, I’d find that most of my energy was spent.

When my parents were here in September, my mom came with me to swim. Afterwards, she gently mentioned how we may want to consider pushing this particular activity back a bit. For my sanity! When she said that, I felt this immediate sense of relief because deep down I just needed someone to tell me that saying ‘not right now’ is ok. Thank you, mom!

Initially, we wanted to enroll K in swim because it’s an important life skill to have, something we can do with him, and a fun weekend activity. Well, it turns out that a 15 month can’t just learn how to swim, and this is something that can be deferred to age 3. Also, taking away swim leaves time for lot of different activities versus just one.

Another key point here (for me at least) is that with the winters we get in Chicago, taking K to swim every weekend would be a whole lot harder. Just thinking about lugging our winter gear around was stressing me out!

Vishnu was a little hesitant to quit, but when I explained everything to him, he definitely understood. In fact, his exact response was, “Maybe we can sign him up for soccer instead!” Oy vey!

It’s been a little over a month since our last swim class, and I can’t tell you how much more balanced I feel on the weekends now. This just goes to show that sometimes saying ‘not right now’ is the best answer for everyone because happy mama = happy family.

This is all to say that if the way you’re spending your energy is making you unhappy, change it! Say ‘not right now’ to a couple of things, and reinvest that energy into activities that are fun for you and your baby! As modern mamas, we want to do it all (at least I do!), but that’s not realistic and honestly not important. While swim classes sounded like a good idea at first, we quickly realized it just wasn’t the right time. And that’s ok. Your baby’s not going to remember this time anyways, but you will. And I’m 110% sure the future you will want to see a mama who’s energized and happy!

Recent Happenings + Product Loves + Good Reads

written by Parita Leave a Comment

RECENT HAPPENINGS

Maybe you’ve noticed that I’ve been blogging less lately? I’m trying to figure out how to balance MIS the blog and MIS Instagram page. I love writing long blog posts and really digging deep into a specific topic or idea. But recently, I’ve discovered that I also love microblogging on IG, and I really love the community I’m slowing building there as well! I haven’t figured anything out yet, but don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere on either platform. So much relief, I know! HA!

In terms of life events and recent happenings, we’ve had quite a bit going on (well, more than usual) and more coming soon! Vishnu and I spent this past weekend in Traverse City attending two good friends wedding. Since the wedding festivities were on a Friday, we made Saturday an explore and drink wine day. So much fun! And one of the best parts was that Kaiden had the opportunity to spend time with his grandparents. He had so much fun!

This coming weekend, Vishnu’s cousin and his family will be in town, so we hope to spend some time with them in the city. We’re also going to see Hasan Minaj! A few of our friends who’ve already seen his most recent show said it’s amazing with really on point messaging. Woo hoo!

October includes a few big birthday celebrations – Vishnu, my sister, and Vishnu’s brother! It’s also the month Vishnu leaves us for 4 weeks! I don’t even want to think about it. I will say though that knowing my MIL will be here with us to help is a great relief! Also knowing we’ll be in Atlanta for a little over a week in early November is also giving me something to look forward to.

Other than that, our little family of 3 is doing well! Kaiden is just getting bigger, smarter, funnier, and cuter with every passing day! He’s now imitating faces (it’s hilarious!), running/walking REALLY fast, and starting to talk more. He’s still very much attached to me whenever possible, but it’s not as bad as it once was. And honestly, I miss his CONSTANT need for my attention! Vishnu’s busy with work and fellowship applications. I can’t believe in less than a year we’ll know where we’re headed next (or if we’re staying in Chicago). Crazy! And last but not least, I’m doing well too! I feel so much more motivated and excited about stuff than I did just a few weeks ago. I’ve also been keeping up with my workouts (BBG, treadmill, spin) which makes me feel good and on top of my s***. Overall, all good stuff.

PRODUCT LOVES

Mega Blocks – I got these for Kaiden a while ago, and at first, he was all about throwing the pieces around. But as of late, he’s really been into building AND knocking them down. It’s fun to watch him figure out how to connect the blocks, identify colors (sometimes!), and get excited about whatever we’re building. These are a true pain to clean up but worth the joy they bring!

Pacifier clips – My friend Pankti told me about this genius product, and I wish I would’ve known about it sooner. Kaiden is notorious for throwing his pacifier and then crying about it. Now, even if he tries, it ain’t going anywhere! These are truly a lifesaver, especially when we’re out and about.

Summer Infant 3D Lite Stroller – Vishnu and I needed to invest in a travel stroller and fast. Kaiden’s now in a convertible car seat so we can’t really use the car seat + frame stroller method when we’re out and about. We used Summer Infant stroller for the fist time at the museum, and Kaiden didn’t seem to mind it all. It’s easy to use and is pretty generous in terms of space for things other than your baby.

Amazon Basics Packing Cubes – My sister introduced me to the concept of packing cubes, and I haven’t looked back since. These little guys really do keep everything organized, which is always my biggest problem when travelling. This is a must own product if you ask me. In fact, I literally just bought Vishnu a set in black.

Amazon Basics silicone baking mats – I wanted to get silicone baking mats so that I can steam roast veggies for K, since regular roasting isn’t his favorite (yet!). The name brand one was just too expensive for my liking, so I decided to give the ABs one a try and so far so good! If you want to know more about steam roasting, visit the @calebthefoodie IG page for me. It’s a great resource.

Beartown+ Us Against You – This little book duo is freaking amazing! I can’t recommend it enough. If you’re looking for books that grip you from the beginning and take you on a journey with some incredible characters, these two are for you.

GOOD READS

There’s No Love Like the Love Your Kids Have For Your When They’re Small

Five Positive Parenting Lessons From the World’s Favorite Teddy Bear

Have a great week!

No portion of this post is sponsored. However, affiliate links are included. There is no extra cost to you, but I do receive a small commission on anything you buy through my links. Thank you for reading and supporting My Inner Shakti!

Stay at Home Mamahood with Jenny Malik

written by Parita Leave a Comment

If you’ve been reading MIS for the past few months, you know all about my “Diary of a Working Mom” series. It’s very near and dear to my heart because I’m a working mom and these women are my tribe!

But over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about the stories I want to share on here, and while working mama stories will always be #1 because that’s my personal vantage point, I want to show the various sides of motherhood and what that means to different people. For example, today we have my good friend Jenny sharing her SAHM story (more on that in a minute). I also have a momtrepreneur lined up to do the same in a couple of weeks.

If I’ve learned anything at all in the past 14 months, it’s this – my mamahood circle needs to/should include mamas from every walk of life, professions, age group, etc. If you want in, I want you here! Regardless of our story, we all have a lot to share and give. And when it comes to the SAHM vs. the working mom debate, it’s not something that should be debated IMO. We’re all doing the best we can for our babies and ourselves. Every mother’s decision is her own, and she shouldn’t be judged for it! PERIOD.

That thought is what brings Jenny to MIS today. So…I don’t know how to give this introduction any justice but I’ll try! Jenny and I have known each other for 16 years! We met my freshman year of college (her sophomore) and it was honestly friendship at first sight. We both ended up majoring in Finance and taking a ton of classes together and the rest is history…16 years of history to be exact.

Jenny’s little boy Noah was born a little over a month before Kaiden, so now we’re sharing the motherhood major as well! Jenny (and her husband/our good friend Jimi) is the most down to earth, funny, and relatable (she’s also #marriedtomedicine) person I know. She’s an open book when it comes to any questions I have, and she doesn’t hide the fact that while this journey is an amazing one, it’s hard! And you guys know, I appreciate that more than anything!

I could honestly go on and on about Mrs. Malik, but I’ll let her do the talking instead!

1. Share a bit about you – family info, pre-baby work life, Jimi’s profession and how it impacts you, etc.
Hi MIS Community! My name is Jenny Malik, my husband’s name is Jimi, and we have a 15 month old named Noah. Prior to making the decision to stay at home with Noah, I worked as a Financial Consultant with CDC on various projects in Atlanta for 7 years, and then switched gears and became an Operations Manager at Raymond James in Albany, GA for almost 4 years. Jimi is a physician who is currently completing a one year Hospice and Palliative Medicine Fellowship at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX. We’re thankful because this fellowship has allowed us a little more time together as a family and we hope that the next job will allow for the same. As a Hospitalist Director before fellowship, Jimi worked at least 2 weekends a month, 12 hour day/night shifts, and many holidays,leaving him less time with us. Although the fellowship is busy with weekday and weekend call, Jimi is able to see Noah at the end of the day because he gets off of work at a more reasonable hour so that makes me incredibly happy.

2. How long have you been a SAHM and what prompted you to stay home with your baby?
I have been a SAHM for 15 months since Noah was born in May 2017. There were a lot of different factors that went into our decision for me to stay at home, but I think the biggest one was quality time. Jimi and I always talk about how when we’re on our deathbeds, we won’t say that we wished we had worked more, received that promotion, or made more money… instead, we will wish we had more time with the people we love.

3. Walk me through a day in your life.
There have been a lot of fluctuations over the course of Noah’s short lifetime on what a “normal” day looks like, but our day now typically starts at 6:30/7:00am. Jimi will get ready for work and will be there by 7:30am on most days. Now that Noah is 15 months, he’s a lot more interactive which makes the day go by more quickly and, in general, is a lot more fun. I’ll be honest, newborn days went by really slow for me, but I do miss the cuddles :). We’ll play, read, dance, sing, or run errands when Noah isn’t taking one of his two naps. When he is napping, I’ll try to take care of things around the house or relax for a bit (cook, clean, laundry, vacuum, watch a show, bake, etc.). The evenings get busier because once Jimi comes home from work, we’ll have family dinner, Noah’s bathtime, play/read together, and Noah’s bedtime at 7:45pm. Jimi and I will spend our uninterrupted quality time together after Noah is in bed. We’ll catch up on the day, eat dinner (if we haven’t been able to already) and if we have time, watch something together. That time with Jimi is one of my most favorite parts of the day.

4. In your opinion, what are the biggest advantages of being a SAHM?
I have really enjoyed having quality bonding time with Noah and being able to witness his first milestones. I’m also a bit of a control freak, so I like having the ability to adjust his schedule (as best you can with a young child) in case there’s an off nap or something doesn’t go quite as planned. I don’t feel rushed at the end of the day or on the weekends in that I’m able to get more done around the house during the day so that when Jimi is off, we can hang out as a family and not spend as much time on housework.

5. On the flip side, what do you consider to be the biggest disadvantages?
I have found that I can definitely get bored and miss the social interaction with other adults. Hopefully I don’t lose my ability to talk to people! If you don’t use it, you lose it, right?!? 🙂 I miss being mentally challenged like I was in the working world. I find that I always have to be “on” in that there’s no real break and you can’t leave at 5:00pm everyday. I sometimes worry that I’m not teaching Noah all that I can, or should, be teaching him. Since I’m a first time mom, I find myself having to read or talk to other moms about when kids are supposed to do certain things like use spoons to eat or potty train. There’s so much to teach these little babies!

6. How do you handle mom guilt?
Even though I’m at home with Noah everyday, I still feel mom guilt if I go out without him… it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. In these moments, I try to remember that it’s important for me to have some time for myself and it’s equally valuable for Noah to get one-on-one time with Jimi or family and friends. Thankfully, Jimi is always great about encouraging me to get out and enjoy time for myself.

7. How do you carve out me time? What does me time look like for you? What’s your guilty pleasure?
Although it’s not just “me” in this instance, I love date nights with my boo. I also enjoy a relaxing mani/pedi, baking desserts, girls nights, and watching a tv show or two. I just finished seasons 1 and 2 of Man in the High Castle and can’t wait to see what happens in season 3 this fall! Guilty pleasure – I’ve stepped up my online shopping game since I can’t always get out to the mall these days. Oh those simple joys in life… 🙂

8. What advice would you give to someone considering being a SAHM?
It’s a tough decision to make, but if you’re willing and able to (whether that be financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.), you likely won’t regret the decision to stay at home with your child. You may love staying home and you may not, and either way, it’s okay. You’re still a great mom. At the end of the day, you have to determine what is best for you and your family. A phrase that I’ve heard over and over again since becoming a mom which I have found to be true in my limited experience is – “Days can be long, but years go by quickly.” This saying applies on good days and bad, and I personally am trying to embrace it one day at time. This experience has pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways, and I look forward to seeing how our family continues to grow together.

Thanks for the opportunity to share a little bit about my life as a SAHM and the life of the Maliks! 🙂

Thank YOU, Jenny, for sharing your story! Noah and Jimi are so lucky to have you!

6 Simple Ways to Keep the Indian Culture Alive

written by Parita 6 Comments

My parents came to the US in December 1982, and in January 1984, I was born. By no means were they settled and completely ready for a baby, but they wanted one and knew the rest would fall into place. And so it did!

Vishnu and I, on the other hand, thought long and hard about exactly when we wanted to have a baby. We went for it when we decided we were ready. Thankfully, things fell into place, and now we have Mr. Kaiden!

In terms of surrounding my sister and I with elements of the Indian culture, my parents definitely had the upper hand. First of all, they’re both the same kind of Indian, which believe it or not, makes things a lot easier. They also lived within a few miles of quite of few family members. And finally, my grandparents lived with us (on and off) throughout my childhood. All of these things led both me and my sister to speak Gujarati, watch Bollywood movies and perform dances, learn Bharatnatayam, and have tons of Indian friends.

Kaiden, on the other hand, has a Gujarati mom and a Malayalee dad…who doesn’t speak Malayalum. He lives near his masi and masa, who speak to him in English. We don’t really watch Bollywood movies. And the list goes on!

This isn’t to say we can’t or won’t try instilling and keeping the Indian culture alive for Kaiden. In fact, even though he’s still pretty young, I’ve added a few things to our daily routine to help create that sense of culture.

First and foremost, I’m trying to speak to K in Gujarati a little more. Even if it’s a word or two here and there. I used to feel guilty thinking he may speak a little Gujarati and not Malayalum, but I now realize how silly that is. It’s like us not wanting him to learn a different language in school because we don’t speak it ourselves. If the bottom line is rooting him in the Indian culture, it shouldn’t matter that he knows one language and not the other.
Before bed every night, I sing the Hanuman Chalisa to Kaiden. I learned this particular prayer when I was very young, and it’s always been a source of comfort for me. Each line is so full of meaning. I’m so thankful my parents and grandparents made us sit with them every night to recite it and hoping K feels the same one day. If nothing else, I hope it gives me the same degree of comfort it gives me. I have a few other prayers I loved as child that I also sing to him before bed. I know how to put on a show apparently!
We’re lucky we have a small temple within walking distance of our apartment. It’s simple and very quiet (unlike a lot of Indian temples!). But that’s precisely what draws me to it. Growing up, I didn’t love going to the temple because it just felt like one big crowded party where everyone was there to socialize. This temple, however, is quite the opposite. To be honest, we haven’t gone as regularly (1x/week) as I would like, but I’m hoping to change that ASAP. And I totally understand that going to the temple doesn’t just transfer culture, but I’m hoping it does open up a conversation with Kaiden where he feels comfortable to ask questions and explore (you know, when he starts talking!).
We haven’t done much of this yet, but I really want to teach Kaiden about our culture through our beautiful holidays – Diwali, Holi, Onam, Navaratri, etc. Not only do these celebrations instill values, but they’re grounded in stories, fun, and family. What better way to learn about being Indian!?
What better way to share culture than by making the food?! I may not be the best Indian cook, but my khichidi and chana are on point! But in all seriousness, I want Kaiden to love Indian food because it tells a story about where he’s from. And what a lucky guy – he’s 50% Gujarati and 50% Malayalee – SO MUCH GOOD FOOD and grandmas who cook it well!
There are so many cool companies focused on sharing bits and pieces of the Indian culture. For example, Jai Jai Hooray, Desi Babies, and Modi Toys just to name a few! These kinds of companies didn’t exist when my parents were raising us (the internet wasn’t really a big thing!), and they honestly didn’t need the help, but I think it’s awesome they exist now…because we need help! I highly recommend checking out these sites to see what they offer!

And that, my friends, is a glimpse into how I try to ensure Kaiden knows where he’s from and what it’s all about. It’s not perfect by any means, but hey, at least I’m trying! And the great part about my list of 5 things is they can apply to any culture. Language, prayer, companies promoting the culture, etc. exist for everyone, I’m sure! You just have to find a way and try. 🙂

Your turn – Tell me about your favorite cultural childhood experience! Mine was celebrating Navaratri every year and going to garba with all of my friends. So much fun!

Motherhood Musings – BTS, Mental Load, and More

written by Parita 6 Comments

*BTS = behind the scenes. For anyone who, like me, had no clue what that acronym stood for.

**Also, all pics in this post are random because I don’t have any that fit the ‘motherhood musings’ theme!

As I sometimes do, I recently took inventory of my blog posts from the past month or so as well as my Instagram pics and captions. It dawned on me that I’ve been painting a pretty rosy picture. And that’s not to say it hasn’t been great. June was, in fact, a great month – K’s birthday celebration x 2, a trip home to Atlanta, K’s actual 1st birthday, mine and Vishnu’s wedding anniversary, Father’s Day, relatively sickness free (knocking on all the wood), etc.

A pretty great month overall.

But that’s not to say I didn’t have other not so great things/feelings going on BTS. Nothing major, but my point is most people don’t share the darker shades of life on the internet. You can’t see feelings, insecurities, arguments, sadness, worry, anxiety, doubt, etc. Most importantly, you don’t know what’s happening on the inside. You only see the outside. A filtered sliver at that.

While I have no qualms about sharing my ups and downs on both my blog and Instagram account, I haven’t shared much of the downs lately. You haven’t seen my extreme sadness over what’s happening at our southern border and around the world in general. You haven’t seen my anxiety over K refusing to drink whole milk now that we’ve transitioned. You haven’t seen my constant battle between wanting to give my all at work and at home…and often feeling like I’m failing all over the board. And the list goes on…***

I don’t need or want anyone’s pity. That’s not why I’m sharing this. I’m sharing because I know how it feels to look at someone’s highlight reel and think, “Wow. Look at her life. She’s got it all together.” NO ONE HAS IT ALL TOGETHER. NO ONE. My hope is everyone experiences moments of profound joy and peace. But no one’s life is perfect.

The next time you find yourself comparing your life to someone else’s call a trusted friend or family member and talk. Like really talk. Open up, ask questions, etc. I guarantee even five minutes of conversation will give you a new perspective. Everyone has their stuff. The reality is for the majority of people this stuff doesn’t show up online.

Ok, stepping off that soapbox!

Next up, the mental load. This is something I think about all the time now that I’m a mom. So much of what I carry isn’t something people can see (aside from K…haaaaa!!!). Seriously though, I wish I could share a snapshot of all the stuff racing through my mind at any given moment and see something similar for other mamas. While I still own a paper planner and a notebook dedicated to all my mom/wife notes, I’m so thankful to be doing this in the electronic age. My Outlook calendar reminders keep the late fees away for things like rent, daycare payments, etc.

Something else I find interesting about the mental load is that dads don’t carry it the same way. Not all dads of course, but for the most part, I think most of my friends and fellow mamas would agree. For example, if I’m being honest, I probably carry the majority of the mental load in my relationship. And not because Vishnu doesn’t want to. It’s honestly because we’re wired differently. I don’t mind carrying the mental load of remembering key tasks like paying rent. I truly enjoy holding down the fort with things like that. For me, It’s the mental load of worry and anxiety over things that haven’t/may never happen. When my mind goes down those rabbit holes, I can easily go into “how would I handle X, Y, or Z” mode. Not healthy!

What helps me is talking out my thoughts with Vishnu, my mom, my sister, or a close friend. One of these fine folks can usually bring me back to reality. Other times, I let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling (as I can usually trace my worry back to something), and then I talk myself back to reality.

Again, no pity needed/wanted. Just want to share my experiences with something that I know is far too common for mamas everywhere.

Again, what weighs us down is usually the unseen and the unspoken. I really want to help change this in my own small ways. One thing I hope to do more of and encourage others to do more is share the unseen and the unspoken. Make it seen and spoken [about]. This is such a critical part of the human experience, and I fear we’re moving farther and farther away.

Ok, stepping off soapbox #2!

Is there anything cuter than a sleeping baby?!

Let’s move on to some other topics I’ve been thinking about…

Is it just me or should parents stop saying their kid’s age by months after year 2? I think it’s fine to say, “Oh, he just turned 2. He’s 2 1/2. He’s a little over 2 1/2.” I mean how old is 29 months really??

Speaking of sharing your kid’s age, I was totally that mom who lost count of the weeks after a while. I literally asked Google “How many weeks is my baby if he was born on June 29.” Thank goodness we’re at months now. I can remember months!

You guys, Kaiden spiked a fever exactly one week after getting his MMR vaccine. 10% of babies get fevers, and ours was one of them! Poor bubs. It all started this past Friday when his school called to give me a heads up (talk about a freak out moment when I saw his school name pop up on my phone). And while it’s pretty low-grade for the most part, it’s really no fun seeing your little one all flushed and uncomfortable. But I’m VERY thankful because the fever is his only symptom. Apparently 5% of babies also get an accompanying rash.

Caught touching something he’s not supposed to!

I have to take Kaiden to his second swim class on Saturday…all by myself. I don’t know why, but this makes me nervous. Vishnu was in the water with him this past Saturday and it went as well as it could’ve. Kaiden did great until the instructor poured water over his head. But honestly, it’s not the water part that makes me nervous, it’s the whole after class logistical piece. I can’t wrap my head around how I’m going to get both Kaiden and myself into dry clothes. I know, I’m a weirdo. Who worries about things like that? I never said I was normal!

And that about takes care of all the motherhood musings I wanted to share today! As always, THANK YOU for reading.

***I know a lot of people would pay to have my worries/anxieties. I know I’m VERY lucky in the grand scheme of things. Trust me, I’m very grateful for this life of mine. But that’s not the point. The point is it’s important to remember everyone deals with something and nothing is as perfect as it seems, online or in real life.