Parita - 3/166 - My Inner Shakti

Let’s Play Catch-up

It’s been a while since I’ve just typed and shared random thoughts. Actually, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Something I hope to change in 2019! I want to get back to a more regular posting schedule (at least 2x/week) because more than anything, sharing here on MIS is what brings me the most joy.

Between the blog and Instagram, I share lots of little tidbits about our life. I’ll just let this be a free flow type post and see where it takes me!

LIFE UPDATES

A couple of weeks ago, I shared on IG that we were going to wean Kaiden off the pacifier. I even asked for top tips. Wellll…my grand plan didn’t go as planned. I chickened out that weekend because Vishnu was on a 24 hour call on Saturday. The following weekend didn’t make much sense either since K got sick on Friday, and I flew out to Vancouver on Sunday. We plan to tackle this in 2019!

For anyone who is planning to wean soon, top tips were to just go cold turkey (expect a few days of sleepless nights) or to cut the tip and let your kid wean himself/herself off. I think we’ll just go cold turkey because Kaiden seems to adjust better when he doesn’t see the thing we’re taking away.

Speaking of Kaiden being sick, it turns out he had an ear infection. I got home at 2 pm on Thursday, noticed that Kaiden had a fever, called the doctor’s office, and got an appointment for 3:15 pm. So glad we went that day because my poor bub’s ear didn’t look great at all. He’s on antibiotics now and on the mend! Whatever he had must’ve been a beast of a sickness because it took down my sister, my dad, and Vishnu. Fingers and toes crossed that I don’t get sick this time around!

Vancouver was great. The first couple of days were kind of rough for me because I felt horrible for not being home with K. From a work perspective, our conference was awesome. I had a few small speaking roles, and I think I tackled them ok. From a food perspective, I’m pretty sure I ate my bodyweight in meals. Everything was so fresh and delicious. Some of the best vegetarian meals I’ve had in a long time!

In terms of other updates, Kaiden and I leave for Atlanta on Thursday. I can’t wait! This will be a bit of different trip because I’m off of work 100% of the time. My mom also took some time off, so we’re planning to do some fun Christmasy stuff with K! Vishnu arrives a week or so later because he has to do that dreaded thing called work. 🙁 We’re getting by telling ourselves that this is our last Christmas apart. Fingers crossed!

STUFF UPDATES

I finished Pachinko on my way to and from Vancouver. What an incredible book. I didn’t expect to love it as much as I did, but the story really drew me in. It’s about a family, four generations of Koreans, living in Japan and everything they endured. Highly recommend it!

Next up, I’m reading Little Fires Everywhere. Can’t wait to get engrossed in another great and highly recommended book!

Vishnu got this toy chest so we can store all of Kaiden’s random toys in our living room without a huge mess. I must say, I didn’t think we’d end up with elephant themed decor outside of K’s room, but I kind of like it!

Andddd that’s about it. Please send some healthy vibes our way. Happy Monday!

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Let’s Talk About Mental Health

written by Parita Leave a Comment

I’m going to preface this post by emphasizing that I’m not a mental health professional. Just someone who thinks about this kind of stuff all the time. If you feel like you need professional help, please please please don’t hesitate and go seek it out. As you’ll continue to read, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of your mind. The stigma that there is needs to be stripped down and thrown out.

So I’m going to be real and say that this time of year overwhelms me. Not only does it get dark at like 4 pm, but the whole holiday hoopla just stresses me out. I’m not the best gift giver (i.e. I leave it all to the last minute), and with all the travel we do at the end of the year, it’s a bit much.

But putting aside the time of year, overwhelm can come at any time. And so can other not so fun feelings and emotions. And oftentimes, people walk around with a cloud hanging over their head all year round.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve read a ton of stories recently about people seeking help after years of dealing with anxiety and/or depression. Therapy, meds, whatever it takes. I truly admire people who find the courage to say, “Something doesn’t feel right to me. I need help.” And I wish our society at large encouraged this type of thinking. Because right now, I personally feel like instead of encouragement there’s a whole lot of shame weaved into the messaging we hear.

Maybe it’s me, but I feel like we hire personal trainers and get gym memberships for our physical health, but when it comes to mental health and doing what you need to do, it’s very hush hush. In the same vein, when you have high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, etc., you go to the doctor and take medications. But when the most complex organ in the human body is telling you something is off, there’s resistance against seeking professional help.

And don’t get me started on social media and how that contributes to all of this. This is precisely why I’m an advocate for sharing the good AND the not so good. In doing so, I’ve connected with some amazing people who relate to my struggles and lows. Courageous, vulnerable, real stories build emotional connection. Period. And even though connection alone isn’t going to fix everyone’s mental health challenges, it does open your eyes to the fact that you’re not the only one who feels or thinks X, Y, and Z.

My personal story is that I have to monitor my thoughts very carefully. It’s easy for me to go from ok to Debbie downer. When I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of doom, I have to change the story I’m telling myself and focus more on gratitude. Having fun things on the horizon also puts a pep in my step, so I have to be proactive about scheduling lunches/meetups/events with Kaiden, especially in the winter when it’s not easy to just go out for a quick walk. I also have to disconnect and let my mind clear a little.

I know what I ‘suffer’ from (as noted above) pales in comparison to what others go through on a day-to-day basis. But that’s why I’m sharing this post. Regardless of where you fall in terms of severity, it’s important to recognize your emotions and take the best next steps. Like I said before, we do it for our physical health, so why not our mental…?

Look, I’m not going to list all the ways you can work on your mental health. Because there’s no one size fits all solution here, and because I’m not a mental health professional. Just like everyone else, I’m trying to get through the day as sanely as possible! But I do recognize that I want to be a good role model for my son, and I want to continue to have strong relationships with my husband, family, and friends. And for me, that means making my mental health a priority. Regardless of how taboo a topic it might be (especially in the South Asian community).

So FOR PARITA, this looks like prioritizing sleep (and sleeping in when my little monster lets me!), reading books that speak to my soul, eating well 80% of the time and indulging when delicious opportunities present themselves, moving my body in a way that feels good to me and not in a way that works for everyone else, talking to someone (usually Vishnu or my sister) when I do feel a little funky (ha!), watching my favorite TV shows and not feeling guiling for vegging out on the couch, staying in touch with people who life me up and inspire me, not trying to be supermom/superwife and recognizing that some days being ‘good enough’ is good enough, etc.

NOTE: I have days where none of the above happens. I have days where some of it happens. And then there are the in between days. There’s no perfect formula, but as I get older, I’m working that much harder on what works for me and what doesn’t.

And to be quite honest, if I needed help beyond this, I would seek it out. THERE’S NO SHAME IN THAT! My child depends on me to take care of my mind, body, and soul, and you better believe I’m going to do just that no matter how hard I have to work!

And my final thought on this topic is to reach out to your family, friend, coworkers and ask them how they’re doing. But don’t just ask…support them as well! Share your stories and let them know you’re there for them.

Weekly Dose of Gratitude [1]

written by Parita 1 Comment

As I was reading old MIS posts last week, it dawned on me that I miss sharing more of the every day life stuff. But I don’t think I’ll go back to those types of posts any time soon for a number of reasons. Mainly because our every day is so routine. If there’s something exciting/interesting happening, I’ll definitely share. Otherwise, you can find some of the ‘normal’ stuff on IG and IG stories.

With that being said, I think there’s a hybrid solution to this ‘challenge.’ Instead of posting weekend recaps (even though those are my favorite to reread now!), I’m going to share a ‘Weekly Dose of Gratitude’ post every Friday. This post will highlight all of the simple things I was thankful for the previous week. I’m hoping that looking back on these posts will bring me the same amount of joy (or more!).

Let’s do this!

FRIDAY

We didn’t have our Thanksgiving meal on Thursday. Instead, we celebrated on Friday with a full spread – jalapeño pineapple mac n’ cheese, cornbread, mashed sweet potatoes, roasted broccoli, cranberry sauce, and a rotisserie chicken. I loved pulling this meal together with my sister!

I took a two hour nap earlier in the day. My parents watched K while I snoozed. So very thankful for that!

SATURDAY

The whole gang walked to the Loop to the Christkindlmarket. And while it was super cold out, I think we all had a great time.

Later in the evening, Vishnu and I went out with my sister and BIL to the Santa Baby Bar. I was pretty hesitant to leave the house but am so glad I did. The decor and my boozy hot chocolate were reason enough to go. Oh and getting to spend time with Vishnu, Aek, and Adarsh too!

SUNDAY

After my parents left, Vishnu and I cleaned up and headed to a playdate with a family from Kaiden’s class. We’d been trying to get together for a while now, and I’m so glad we made it happen because everyone had fun! It’s so nice to connect and spend time with other parents, especially when your kiddos are around the same age.

MONDAY

I completed a 30 minute Barre3 Online workout during my lunch hour. It was hard, I was shaking, and there were certainly a few times when I wanted to quit. But I didn’t! So thankful for the opportunity to recharge in the middle of the day.

TUESDAY

My sister and BIL came over for ‘This is Us’ Tuesday, a tradition we started at the start of this season. I made dinner (nachos!), we ate, and then we watched our favorite show.

WEDNESDAY

I worked from home, and Vishnu ended up being home most of the day too. It was nice to have a little company and goofiness throughout the day!

THURSDAY

I had lunch with my good friend and former work wife Erin today. I hadn’t seen her in forever, so it was so nice to catch up over some delicious food!

I got to see my other old coworker Thea as well. She moved over to a different team a month or so ago, and while I’m still super bummed about that, I’m thankful I still get to see her and catch up when we’re both in the office.
Kaiden was in a GREAT mood when I picked him up from daycare today. Like instead of crying and running towards me, he laughed and ran away from me. Ha! Love my goofy guy!
Vishnu finally made sambhar rice in the Instant Pot. He’s been talking about it ever since he came back from DC. Our friend Kartik, who Vishnu stayed with, makes this regularly. Vishnu saw how easy it was to make and decided to give it a go. Glad he did because – 1. I didn’t have to cook dinner and 2. it was delicious!
And last but certainly not least, my Kaiden turned 17 months old!!!

And that’s my week of gratitude in a nutshell! I hope you found lots of things to be thankful for and continue to do so in the coming week as well.

Raising a Kid with Doctor Dad

written by Parita 3 Comments

I like to joke that medicine is Vishnu’s mistress. A mistress that I’ve come to accept and befriend. Ha! She’s been a part of our lives since we starting dating almost 14 years ago. And she’ll be around until Vishnu retires. Who am I kidding? She’ll be around forever.

When it was just us, it was easier to work with and around Vishnu’s med school journey (studying, boards, residency application/matching process, etc.). Now that we have Kaiden, it’s a whole different ball game. But we’re learning to navigate this path just like we have all the others.

Before I share more, let me set some context…

When we had Kaiden, Vishnu had just started his 2^nd year of Radiology residency (overall year 3 if you count intern year). He’s now in his 3^rd year, and we have one more to go. After he finishes residency, he’ll complete one year of fellowship because he wants to specialize in a particular area of Radiology. Once he’s done with all of this training, he start working as an attending. Phew!

I’m not going to lie. From a significant other’s perspective, this journey has been exciting, challenging, frustrating, etc. I mean, I knew what I was getting into when we started dating and later married, but nothing can really prepare you for the ups and downs.

Vishnu wanted me to share that we do use bed sheets and a comforter. They were being washed at the time this picture was taken.

I will caveat this by saying I know we have it better than a lot of other people out there. My heart specifically goes out to the military families who deal with deployments, uncertainty, and long periods of time without seeing each other.

Something that often dictates how we schedule our time and how our days/evenings run is Vishnu’s schedule. And it changes by the month and every now and then even by the week. This means that sometimes he has to be at the hospital by 7:00 and sometimes not until 7:30. If it’s the latter, he’s able to drop Kaiden off at daycare. If not, it’s all me! I don’t mind the variances when they’re limited to daytime hours. Nights are something else altogether! When Vishnu’s on nights, he leaves the house at 6:30 pm and comes back the next morning around 8 am. His shifts run Sunday night through the following Saturday morning. The reason I truly dislike nights is because they eat up our weekends, since Vishnu needs to fit in rest at some point. Another game changer is call. For Vishnu’s hospital, these are the Saturday/Sunday shifts they do. Saturdays are usually 24 hour (7 am – 8 am) and Sundays are 12 hour (8 am – 7 pm). I hate 24 hour Saturdays. HATE! And I don’t think I need to explain why!

Other than the weekly/monthly variances, we also deal with holiday shifts. The past two years were rough, especially around the holidays. But oh well! What can you do? I’m hoping the final year of residency (next year) is as chill as they say it is. Fingers crossed!

Another aspect of all of this is the uncertainty that comes with the residency and fellowship matching process. It’s not a given that you’ll end up where you want to be in terms of city. For us, Kaiden wasn’t here when we matched in Chicago for residency. But now that we’re on to the fellowship process, he’s definitely something we’re taking into consideration, since he’ll be three at the start of it.

With all of this being said, we are always trying to be more aware of how we spend our time, especially on the weekends. In the past, we’ve always let med school/residency/etc. take precedence over all else. Now that we have Kaiden, we recognize that if we don’t bring intention to everything we do, these first few years of his life will fly by, and we’ll have big regrets later. For us, this looks like visiting the museum, going out to eat as a family, taking trips (definitely need to get better about this one!), etc. Vishnu’s committed not to let board studying (pretty much the first half of 2019) be his only priority. As is the case with everything, it’s a work in progress, but we’re trying!

The other side of all of this is accepting and acknowledging that this is all short term (although it doesn’t always feel like it). We’ll be settled somewhere in a few years, and I’m pretty sure we’ll miss pieces of the residency/fellowship journey.

Another aspect, for me at least, is accepting a few things and being ok with them (most of the time). For us, this means that I’m pretty much the primary parent. I’m also the one who schedules doctor’s appointments, activities, home stuff, etc. Some days I’m filled with gratitude and more than happy to take it all on, and some days…well, I’m not. Positive self-talk really does wonders. I have to remind myself that Vishnu’s not out having fun…he’s at work, studying, etc. And truth be told, Vishnu actually does a lot more than I would be able to do if the roles were reversed. He does a great job balancing everything, especially fatherhood and husbandhood. In fact, he’s the one who’s constantly thinking of new things for us to do and try, new places to take Kaiden, etc.

Many people think the doctor life is glamorous and easy, especially for the significant other, but I’m here to tell you it’s not. I have lots of friends who are doctors and/or are married to one, and glamor is so far from the reality of this journey. It takes a lot of dedication, compromise, resiliency, and faith to get to the end of training, and I imagine those same things continue to carry you forward well after.

So yeah, we’re 17 months in and pretty much agree that Kaiden should not go into medicine. HA! Jussssstttt kidddddinggggg! At least I am. Vishnu’s determined to guide him down a different path. We shall see!

Bringing Back Barre3 + Why I ‘Quit’ BBG

written by Parita 8 Comments

As a mom, getting into an exercise groove is much harder than I anticipated it would be. I used to be one of those early morning workout people. Up before the sun, ready to go! While I can’t say that’s me anymore, I hope to get back to AM workouts one day (when K regularly sleeps in until at least 6 am!). Currently, I’m in a season of life where it’s all about collective movement and fitting in what I can when I can. And not beating myself up when I can’t (this is key!).

With that being said, I am trying to be more intentional about the kind of workouts I do. With exercise being my ‘me time’ and an opportunity for me to destress, I want what I do to reflect how I feel. And that is why I’m bringing back Barre3 online workouts. After having Kaiden (and being cleared to work out again), Barre3 was the only thing that got me out of bed. It was the only workout that left me feeling good not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I also love how it incorporates functional movements as well as cardio, strength, and stretching. I’m only a few days into it and already sore…those shakes and quakes are something I tell you!

If you’re interested in trying out Barre3 online, here’s a give $10, get $10 code. And if you want to read more about why I love it so much, check out these posts – 7 Reasons Why Barre3 Online is a Great Option for Moms and 5 Reasons to Try Barre3 Online.

Ok, now on to why I ‘quit’ BBG (for now at least)…

BBG is a great workout system. There’s no doubt about that. If you commit, you will see results. I certainly felt stronger and saw more definition in my legs, arms, and stomach area (I just can’t call it abs…because I’m so far from that!). The first time around, I got to week 5 (out of 12). The second time around (I started all over again), I got to week 9.

When I think back on my BBG workouts, the things I stopped enjoying included always working out by myself, the intensity of the workouts, and how monotonous they got to be after a while. So here’s the thing, I get that it’s only 28 minutes (in theory), they’re meant to be intense (that’s the whole point), and you’re supposed to build your strength from week 1 to 12. I get it all, but for me at this point in my life, BBG just isn’t working. So instead of doing it for the sake of doing it and finishing, I decided to ‘quit’ and say goodbye for now. I may pick it back up again at some point, but for now it’s Barre3, some wogging (walking + jogging), and Soul Cycle (still once a week when possible). Oh and lots of good old movement, which Kaiden ensures I get on the daily!

Overall, if I had to share one piece of insight I’ve learned in my own journey, I’d say this – do what makes you feel good because that’s what you’ll stick with through all of the ups and downs of…well, life! Don’t do something just because someone else is doing it. Do it for you! If you enjoy Barre, do that. If you like HIIT workouts, give BBG a try. If you’re a runner, stick with that. It’s good to try new things (all about that!), but at the end of the day, go with what you love. And remember, every little bit of movement adds up!

*Stepping off soap box…*

So tell me, what’s your preferred workout? What do you always go back to?

I See You, New Mama

written by Parita 2 Comments

It’s taken 15 months, but I can now see and admit that I often felt lost and alone those first few (6!) months after giving birth to Kaiden. I had tons of support from family and friends, but I was in my own head a lot. Am I doing ok? Is Kaiden big enough? Is he meeting his milestones? What if something happens to Kaiden? To Vishnu? To me? Simply put, I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly questioning everything.

I now know this is very normal. I mean, think about the before, during, and after of new motherhood. It’s intense…to say the least!

Also since giving birth to K, I’ve thought a lot about what I would say to other news moms to [even slightly] reduce their anxiousness around the journey they’re about to start. It’s hard because every journey, every mom, and every baby is so different. That’s the beauty of it, but nonetheless, I would want my new mama friends to know that I see them.

So this one’s for you, new mamas…

I see you, new mama…walking around like a zombie. Ugh, sleep deprivation! Trust me it will get easier. While you may never sleep as deeply again (you know, the whole heart walking around outside of you thing!), your new family will find its own rhythm. And I know it’s annoying when everyone and their mom says this, but try to sleep when the baby sleeps (at least a few times a week).

I see you, new mama…struggling to feed your baby. Anxious if your baby is getting enough milk if you’re breastfeeding. Anxious about pumping and feeling like a human cow. Anxious about offering formula. I see you, and I want you to know it will be ok. You will figure it out one way or another. And take it from me, fed is best. Formula is not the devil. Do what’s best for you and your baby.

I see you, new mama…struggling to connect with your significant other. Vishnu and I have a pretty strong relationship, but it’s definitely changed a lot since Kaiden was born. Pre-baby, we had all the time we wanted/needed to hang out, talk, and do things to strengthen our connection. Now all of that takes a bit more work and energy. In the early days, we were definitely a good team. But there are no practice sessions when it comes to parenthood. You literally jump into the game and play your heart out for the rest of your life. So with that being said, it took a while to figure out what works for us. When to pass the ball, when to run…you get it! Our playbook changes every now and then, but we’re more agile than before. It takes time, my friend. The one thing I can say is communicate, communicate, communicate. Neither one of you is a mind reader, and this new third wheel may throw things off for a bit. But keep talking and acknowledging each other.

I see you, new mama…worrying about the future. This is probably the #1 thing I struggled with on a day-to-day basis. The unknown future. It’s so scary to think about, especially when the most precious thing in your life is a little human who depends on you completely. But I promise, it will be ok. As I like to say now, the future you doesn’t exist yet, but the present you does, so take care of her so she can take care of her baby. And everything will happen as it should in due course. Don’t give away your present joys for the unknown. Take it from me…it’s not worth it.

I see you, new mama…feeling vulnerable. Not only do you now have a new baby, but you also gained a new body and a new mind/brain. Everything is different now, so I don’t blame you for feeling vulnerable. I did and still do to this day. But again, please cut yourself some slack. You grew a human inside of you for 9+ months. You created a freaking miracle. It will and should take 9+ months to get back to you. A new you, I should say. Even though the feeling of vulnerability won’t just go away, you are a lot stronger than you think you are you. You were meant to be your baby’s mama, and you are just who he/she needs. Don’t forget that!

I see you, new mama…trying to be supermom/wife/everything. PLEASE try your hardest to remove this label off your back. I’m not saying you’re not super, because you are. I want you to take that pressure off because you’re human. You will make mistakes, and you’ll learn from them. You will let people down, and you’ll learn to be ok with that (and so will they). You will need to rest, and you’ll learn to ask for help. But only if you remember that you too, like the rest of your family and friends, are a human being. And if this just doesn’t resonate, remember that your kid needs a happy mama, not a perfect one. It’s absolutely a must to throw away the superXXX label and take care of yourself. I can’t stress this enough.

Above all else, new mama, I hope you know you’ve got this! It won’t be easy, but there’s no one better for the job.

My Thoughts on ‘The Maternal Grandparent Advantage’

written by Parita Leave a Comment

I didn’t know ‘the maternal grandparent advantage’ even existed until I read this article back in April. It makes sense on so many levels. However, a lot depends on your family dynamic, your relationship with your parents and in-laws, their relationship with each other, etc.

Before I share my thoughts, let’s review what this advantage is exactly…

According to the articles I read, the advantage stems from the fact that daughters tend to have a closer relationship with their own parents which leaders to a warmer relationship between the kids and their maternal grandparents. Paternal grandparents, on the other hand, have to tread carefully.

Another element to this is that women are still responsible for ‘kinkeeping.’ This includes planning, calls, visits, sharing news and updates, holidays, etc. The wife is the gatekeeper to not only her own family but her husband’s as well.

Like I said, a lot of variables are at play here.

So here’s what I can relate to…

I do have more frequent contact with my parents, specifically my mom (we talk 1-2x/day). She’s my emotional support, my advice giver, etc. My go-to on a day to day basis essentially! We also have a family chat between my mom, dad, sister and I making it easy to just check-in and say hi.

While I have the best in-laws in the whole world (no bias here!), the bond I have with my parents is just unique and can’t be replicated. For example, my in-laws have treated me like a daughter since before Vishnu and I were married. No daughter-in-law business. That said, I’m still there daughter-in-law, and there’s a level of formality that will always be there versus the comfort I have with my own family.

There’s also this element, I think, of Vishnu’s parents having two boys versus my parents who have two girls. It basically boils down to different expectations and relationship dynamics.

That said, I am also the gatekeeper/kinkeeper in our family. If you know Vishnu at all, this will make total sense! Ha!

So yes, I see how the maternal grandparent advantage exists in some ways.

But here’s what I can’t relate to…

Regardless of your relationship with your in-laws, keeping your kids from them is wrong. The only exception being if they don’t treat them well. The way I see it, Kaiden is as much my parents’ grandson as he is my in-laws, and he should have a strong relationship with everyone.

I know it’s easy for me to say because I myself have a great relationship with Vishnu’s parents, our parents are close, etc. But even if I didn’t, I would find a way to put my feelings aside for Kaiden’s sake. Grandparents are such special people, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from him.

I would love to hear other thoughts on this topic because, like I said, it totally depends on your family dynamic. Leave a comment or email me if you’re more comfortable (myinnershakti@gmail.com).